Determining accurate used car values can be a daunting task, especially when it’s your own vehicle that you’re looking to have valued as a trade-in. Of course, you want the best possible return on your initial investment to help minimize the payments on your new vehicle, but how realistic are your expectations?
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve doubled-checked your estimate against Kelly Blue Book, you are bound to overlook small details that will influence the dealerships valuation. It’s also likely that you’re somewhat jaded by sentimentality. And, of course, the dealership needs to aim low on their offer since they’ll need to turn a profit in the long run. So, with the odds stacked against you, how can you ensure that you get the best possible trade-in value on your vehicle?
The results of an online poll conducted by The Lemon have revealed a number of steps you can take to maximize the trade-in offer on any trade-in. We’ve whittled down the list to our Top 5, which we’ll now reveal in descending order.
- Offer Them a Ski Trip
Who doesn’t love the feel of floating atop piles of fresh, virgin-white powder, your mind free to roam while your nostrils stick together? Yep. Everyone loves cocaine. In fact, there are only two kinds of people in this world: those who love cocaine, and those who haven’t tried it yet. But let me assure you, people who work at car dealerships love the booger-sugar. It’s the only way to invigorate their dead, blackened souls. Slips ‘em a little Bolivian Marching Powder, and they might be willing to massage the numbers.
- Treat Them to Some Chinese
Considering the climate of today’s world, The Lemon would never endorse human trafficking. That said, business is business, and a large number of Asian women from impoverished nations offer themselves freely as mail order brides/concubines…and most of them have been taught a particular set of skills that might work in your favor.
- Encourage Them to Change Their Look
Simply by changing the part in their hair, one can enjoy a major overhaul in their appearance. And trust me, if someone shoots a salesman in the head, they’re going to need to part their hair differently. But we’re not encouraging you to shoot anyone. Just threaten to shoot them. In the end, everyone wins.
- Introduce Them to Your Friend Ashley
Oh, Ashley. How many times has she threatened to (quote) “blow up someone’s f*cking house”? Whether it’s to correct a major banking error or because the delivery boy forgot the mozzarella sticks as part of a $300 food order, Ashley will pretty much threaten anyone…sometimes just for laughs. Why wouldn’t you bring her in on this?
- Combine Strategies
If you’re anything like me, you like to walk into a situation with several contingency plans in place. With that in mind, why not get jacked up on a shitload of nose candy, and show up at the dealership surrounded on scantily-clad Asian prostitutes? While your friend Ashley threatens to blow up the entire dealership, you can dance around flamboyantly waving your gun in the air, taunting innocent car-buyers with the threat of execution. I mean…if THAT doesn’t get you KBB book value on your trade-in, I’m afraid I’m out of ideas.
