Any automotive news site that fails to report on environmental initiatives is hardly worth its salt. So when The Lemon aspires to report on live auto news you can bet that we’re going to keep you up to speed on the latest in environmentally consciously headlines. Unfortunately, in this case, it has less to do with hybrid and EV technologies, and more to do with Brody, my 8-year old stepson, who insists upon ripping (what I refer to as) “adult-sized man farts” every time he sits on my lap.
“Damn it, Brody!”
The utterance of those exact words happens regularly, as I try to compose articles of automotive interest, as per the terms of my employment. Unfortunately for me, flatulence in the biology of a growing boy pays no heed to such expectations, rendering anyone in a twelve-foot radius to the chicken-nugget smelling farts.
And while you might be compelled to read this article, as a result of deep-seated interest in the environmental initiatives of major automakers, let me assure you: you will care less about the CO2 footprint of your Honda Pilot, if you can operate it with a lack of exposure to prepubescent gaseous emissions.
“But Fart = Funny,” he yells, repeating the iron rules of comedy (as previously explained to him by ‘yours truly’). Forced to acknowledge my own role in the continued forced deterioration of my olfactory senses. But I ask myself, was this a mistake? Should I never have taught him the iron rules of comedy? Did I overstep my bounds in my attempt to contribute to his upbringing?
After all, I encourage him to transition from training wheels to a two-wheel bicycle, helping him to gain confidence in his own ability to peddle such a vehicle. I dressed up as Santa Claus for his Boy Scouts Christmas Party, handing out the wooden blocks that would be carved into Pinewood Derby cars. I even took him to buy the bodywash that would improve his hygiene at a point where he seemed so resistant to showering.
“Brody,” I said. “What did I tell you about farting.”
“That it’s funny, “ he said. “Well…except for ‘Girl Farts’ which are gross.”
Truth be told, I couldn’t argue with his verbatim regurgitation of the Iron Rules of Comedy. That said, he seemed to realize the look of disappointment on my face.
“Farts,” I said. “Are intended for laughs. If we fail to limit their use, we run the risk of minimizing their impact, meaning that the inherent humor in every fart is lost on the audience. Have you ever heard the Christmas saying, ‘Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?” Well, every time you fart on your stepdad, it’s anything but rad. That’s right. You minimize the strength of flatulence by saturating the proverbial marketplace with a ton of boy-farts.”
Prompting a harsh realization, Brody agreed to a 30% reduction in C02 emissions by the time he reaches the age of twenty. And while I want to flag these events as a victory, the simple truth is that he’s statistically bound to reduce his gaseous emissions as he progresses into the dating / courtship portion of his life. After all, everyone knows that farting in front of a girl is the second-best way to assert your dominance (the first being to stick your finger in their open mouth).
“But what if a girl farts?”, he asked.
“Well, I’ll tell you one thing,” I replied. “ It ain’t funny. After all, girl farts are gross.”
