“Money never sleeps” is what I believe a large, surprisingly eloquent gecko once said, and I can’t help but feel like it’s true – certainly in our modern capitalist society. And since the money is always talking, businesses across this great nation of ours are always on the lookout for new ways to bring in more customers. Recently, a shopping center that shall remain nameless tested out a program to allow customers to shop without the hassle of getting out of their vehicles. Only one woman has taken advantage of this test program, but considering its success, I’m sure many others will be clamoring to join soon.
The Brain Trust in Braintree
For decades, shopping malls have proved to be massively popular as a place to shop, eat, or simply gather together with friends and spend the day. In the 2000s and 2010s, however, the popularity of malls and shopping centers began to decline – particularly as many people began shopping online for the things they needed. Young people similarly abandoned the hedonistic joys of the mallrat lifestyle to instead sit around and stare at their phones, stopping just long enough to record each other doing something stupid and then sending it to others to facilitate their own phone-staring needs.
In response, shopping malls across the US have been looking for new ways to attract customers and boost their sales. For my money, all they need to do is get Tiffany to start performing at malls again, and I’d be there – but I’m a simple man who enjoys simple things. One shopping center in Braintree, Massachusetts, has introduced a bold new initiative: drive-thru shopping that will allow their customers to enjoy the businesses in the mall without ever leaving their vehicles.
Convenience, Comfort, and a Pretzel
One morbidly obese mall-goer I talked to explained it to me this way: “I pay enough for my goddamn car; I want to goddamn enjoy it. If I’m gonna buy some new pants or a big pretzel, I should be able to do it without leaving my dual-zone climate control and lumbar support seats!” Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
At the moment, the South Shore Plaza shopping center in Braintree has introduced this new program through a test phase. The test involved only a single woman who drove her vehicle into the mall, passing through the automatic doors and cruising slowly down the shopping center’s second floor. Unfortunately, the mall had not yet warned other shoppers about the new program, as many people were surprised to find a Lincoln Navigator creeping through the walkways and aisles of their local mall.
That’s the official story, at least. One source I spoke to informed me that the mall purposefully failed to notify their shoppers, so the surprise and alarm would cause the story to go viral and get more attention for their shopping center. Either way, this program is a brilliant move. After all, if we’re facing a world in which the outdoors can no longer support life, it’ll be all the more attractive to simply drive our full-size SUVs into the malls where survivors are holed up with their food and ammunition stores. We need those things too!
More Programs in the Future
I’ve heard from several sources that this test program has been quite popular so far, and a number of people have shown interest in being able to drive into malls across the country. Numerous shopping centers have begun working on similar promotions, including special Carpool Thursdays where drivers carrying passengers in their vehicles get a discount and Hit-and-Run Specials that include free giveaways for the driver who can mow down the highest number of pedestrians. I can’t wait – David Carradine prepared me for this moment decades ago!
Editor’s Note: We’ve reached out to our local mall, and so far, they do not have any plans to institute this type of program. Considering the fact that several of us went there last week for Cinnabon and we pretty much had the place to ourselves, they’ll need to reconsider soon. We wouldn’t say no to doing a few donuts in the middle of the food court, but we could probably do that right now. Who’s gonna stop us, huh? You!? I’d like to see you try. Hey Dave, turn off the talk-to-text thingy, and let’s go get a pretz-
– Thank you.