Professionally speaking, the amount of times that I write about cars for sale would stagger anyone. In fact, those three words alone seem to echo through a majority of pieces borne of my time at a keyboard. Now that I think about it, this is kind of a funny job.
It makes me wonder what it would be like if a rift in the space-time continuum suddenly opened up, allowing me to talk to my 11-year old self. It’s actually pretty easy for me to picture; not just because I know myself pretty well after all these years, but because I happen to be the father of an 11-year old. I imagine the conversation would start off something like this:
(Young Me, eating Funyuns) So…I’m still fat in the future?
(Me) Yes (sigh) Sh*t, are those Funyuns? God, I haven’t had Funyuns in forever.
(Young Me) And yet…still fat, huh?
Okay, now that we’ve set the tone that I may have been an overbearing little prick, let’s get to the point – which incidentally is not my lifelong struggle with weight.
(Young Me) So, do I grow up to be American’s Favorite TV Game Show Host?
(Me) No.
(Young Me) Friggin’ Chuck Woolery.
(Me) But I do get to write about cars.
(YM) Seriously? That’s pretty badass.
(M) Well…it doesn’t suck.
(YM) So, what kind of things do you write about?
(M) Sometimes I compare different makes and models. Sometimes I write about cars for sale. Sometimes I write blogs.
(YM) A blog? What’s a blog?
(M) Well, it’s hard to explain but (dramatic wave)…In the future, there’s something called the internet.
(YM) Like Skynet from Terminator?
(M) Well…it’s not UN-like Skynet, now that I think about it. Hmmm, never thought of it. Think of the internet as every library you’ve ever seen. Every store you’ve ever been to. Every song you’ve ever heard, every TV show or movie you’ve ever watched, and every conversation…all in one place.
(YM) Weird, but…okay.
(M) Now, imagine all of that crammed into your phone. So that you can access it whenever you want, and from wherever you are.
(YM) How long are phone cords in the future?
(M) There are no cords.
(YM) So, you can go anywhere?
(M) I guess we “could,” but we spend a lot of time just staring at screens.
(YM) But you can get whatever you want without actually going anywhere?
(M) Pretty much.
(YM) No wonder you’re still fat.
Valid point but once again, it’s probably wise to skip ahead a bit. Mostly because trying to explain the internet to an 11-year old kid from 1987 involves a lot of stumbling and odd hand gestures which don’t translate well to the written word. I guess the big take-away from it all is that a “blog” is not a derogatory term to call Liz when she starts acting like a bitch in history class (although, looking back, it would sort of fit).
(YM) Speaking of cars for sale…did you buy it?
(M) Did I buy what?
(YM) The DeLorean.
(M) You mean the DeLorean from Back to the Future?
(YM) No, moron..the DeLorean from “Full House”.
(M) Unfortunately, no (laughing) but there is a guy a few towns over who owns two replicas, complete with Flux Capacitor.
(YM) Cool story, bro. What about K.I.T.T.?
(M) Have I bought the car from Knight Rider? No.
(YM) For the first time, I’m really starting to worry about my future. Why the hell would Alyssa Milano ever want to marry you, if you don’t own K.I.T.T.?
While part of me feels it’s important to point out that I’m not married to, nor have I ever dated Alyssa Milano…part of me feels like you’ve got that figured out.
(M) Sorry, man. I’ve never bought a Trans-Am. Although…
(YM) Don’t tell me that guy from a few towns over has K.I.T.T., too.
(M) Actually, he does…
(YM) God, I wish I grew up to be that guy instead of you.
(M) If it makes you feel any better, I have a hilarious David Hasslehoff story for you.
(YM) Somehow I doubt it.
(M) When you’re in your twenties, your buddy, Roland, is going to move to Maui and manage a fancy restaurant where celebrities go to eat while they’re on the island. One night he’s going to lose his temper with David Hasslehoff, and they’ll become mortal enemies. For the next three years, they’ll be engaged in a bitter war with one another, ranging from throw-downs at the Fish Taco stand to sabotaging each other, professionally.
(YM) So, our best friend becomes enemies with Michael Knight, the hero from Knight Rider?
(M) Well, yes. But someday you’ll understand that Hasslehoff is kind of a douche.
(YM) I don’t believe it.
Ah, the naivety of youth.
(YM) So you don’t buy the DeLorean.
(M) Nope.
(YM) You don’t buy K.I.T.T.
(M) Negatory.
(YM) Should I even bother to ask about the A-Team Van?
(M) Best not to.
The conversation would go on to address my lack of having purchased the General Lee or the Gran Torino from Starsky & Hutch. It would even circle back to the Trans Am (this time from Smokey & The Bandit), which of course, I hadn’t bought. At this point, I imagine that 11-year old me would crawl back into the rift in Time & Space feeling defeated, but mostly because he’s out of Funyuns.
(YM) I have to be honest. My future kind of sucks.
(M) It’s not that bad.
(YM) Whatever, blog. At least you have Alyssa Milano.
I wouldn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise
Life is a funny thing, and so are cars. Just like we get the life that is meant for us, maybe we get the cars that are meant for us. Keep this in mind the next time you’re Google-ing “cars for sale.” Your search may not end with a car that speaks, or one that travels through time. Your lifestyle many not demand a blacked-out conversion van to hide out in the Los Angeles underground for a crime that you didn’t commit. If you’re running illegal alcohol across state or county lines, you may just have to outrun municipal law enforcement in whatever your daily driver is.
And that’s okay. No matter what your inner 11-year old tells you.
