The following is a Public Service Announcement from your Local Certified Pre-Owned Ford Explorer dealers.
Has your Explorer been gloomy? Has it flashed its lights at other Explorers in a “Save Me!” kind of way? Has it tried to eject you from your seat? Have you woken up to find that your driveway is empty? Devoid of your beloved three-row SUV that used to belong to someone else? Unfortunately, this is not a surprising occurrence. The Institute for the Exploration of Automotive Anxiety Disorders has released a study focused mainly on Certified Pre-Owned Ford Explorer models. It states that the vehicles are suffering from a very serious problem: homesickness. Please don’t laugh; this is serious stuff.
According to the study: “Explorers, more than any other pre-owned car, seem to have developed an unhealthy attachment to their first owners. Being that all Certified Pre-Owned vehicles were at one time shiny, new, and full of potential, the emotional ramifications sale and separation can have on a vehicle are devastating. Explorers were built to serve the family. To take them places all over the country. To feel the spills of coffee and the splashes of mud on the freshly vacuumed carpet. This is what they were born for. So to break one of its bonds, its attachment to its original family is a form of great vehicular neglect and abuse.”
Reports have come in about abandoned Explorers inflicting self-harm, refusing to drink gasoline, deliberately draining their batteries, and going too fast over potholes to try and bust one of their tires. One 2017 Explorer event went so far as to blow its own transmission out instead of serving a new family.
We, your local Ford dealers, regret to inform you that we sold you your Explorers with full knowledge of their uncalibrated emotional states. However, in the fine print of Article 47, subsection 895A, paragraph 12 of the Contract of Sale, you all signed: “I/We, the future owners of the pre-owned vehicle, accept full responsibility for the emotional well-being of our cars; the dealers are in no way responsible for anything that transpires after the sale is complete and will not be held liable for any damage to vehicle or property, despite being in total awareness of the vehicles faults.”
We have received several angry and threatening letters and phone calls over the last few weeks from people we took to be our loyal, happy customers. Vehicular Original Owner Abandonment and Emotional Distress Syndrome is a well-documented disorder among cars, particularly ones as sensitive as Soccer Mom Special Ford Explorers. Because you all signed contacts with us––though barely any of you read them––we cannot and will not be financially responsible for replacing your suicidal vehicle. We are victims ourselves in all of this. We don’t like ripping Explorers away from their original owners, scrubbing them clean, inspecting every inch of them even though they kept honking at us to stop, and finally selling them to you. It’s as taxing on us as it is on them…we think.
Anyway, we don’t believe that it’s our fault that your car ran away or killed itself. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s the original owners for being too shallow to keep their damn cars until they died. Take your complaints up with them and leave us alone, okay? We’re not who you’re really angry at, and you know it. So here, as proof that we still love you, here is an exhaustive list of vehicles that are not emotionally disturbed. Ready?
Were you expecting more?
Your Not Shifty, Definitely Not Car-Abusing Dealers