The race to COVID-19 herd immunity hit a few speed bumps recently as chronic vaccine shortages plagued the country and anti-vaxxers got way too much media airtime, throwing a monkey wrench in billionaire Bill Gates’ nefarious plans to microchip the planet’s population in a lifesaving vaccine under the guise of a fake virus. That’s when the Federal government sprang into action, calling upon the nation’s thousands of automobile dealers to surrender their used SUVs for sale to the CDC for immediate retrofitting.
The sweeping order goes into effect immediately, cites larger SUVs in particular, and includes a laundry list of aftermarket conversions designed to transform these once cushy upper-middle-class family cars into roving PR machines targeting the unvaccinated. President Biden invoked his presidential powers to commandeer the used SUV market immediately, receiving no congressional oversight to his sheer delight.
As the world continues hiding from virus mutations and grappling with a steady stream of conflicting CDC guidelines and insanity-provoking shutdowns (except Wal-Mart, of course), the government is busy hatching a plan to win over the “This Ain’t My Vaccine” crowd. Like anything else, it begins with an effective outreach program, and this fleet of used SUVs is the next arrow in their quiver.
Fighting Disinformation With More Disinformation
Step one to stopping a throng of angry Americans from refusing to take the vaccine (that was created in less than 15 months under the watchful eye of a corrupt government-run health organization) is to flip the script. Any great script requires an audience, and in this case, the audience is a growing army of skeptical Americans who don’t trust the Feds.
This intrepid fleet of Enclaves and Suburbans will be outfitted with a concert-grade PA system that’s wirelessly connected to the CDC in Atlanta. We’re told the front driver and passenger doors will receive a Fauci bobblehead-type decal designed to evoke trust and lower the public’s defenses.
Beyond that, the specific message is unclear, but the entire cargo area of each vehicle is reported to be converted into a massive refrigeration unit capable of storing hundreds, and even thousands, of COVID vaccines. Which brand? We’re told the government is waiting to see which drugmaker makes the biggest PAC donation, ahem, we mean, makes the most hopeful efficacy claims.
First on the list to captain these upstart traveling vaccine sites are the wanderers; members of Trump’s former team who didn’t piss off the democrats or incite the cancel culture’s vitriol, and who have since condemned the former president, his wife, his kids, his second cousin twice removed, and all of his former schoolteachers. On Twitter.
For these chosen few, penance (speaking of penance, is Pence stepping up? We don’t know) means becoming a mouthpiece for the Democratic party machine, touting liberalism as the only way and thwarting any attempts by unbelievers to say otherwise. The scripted responses, as we understand them, are few but very impactful and include, “You can’t say that! It’s triggering!” and “This is all Trump’s fault. The blood of innocent Americans is on his hands.”
Once fully trained on the program, these drivers depart for months-long journeys into every corner of the nation. From the prairies and reservations to congested urban centers to back roads and side alleys, all in the name of laying heavy guilt trips on anti-vaccine Americans and wearing them down with dubious propaganda until they relent.
Winning the War on COVID One Crossover at a Time
Next time you see a Fauci-adorned Buick Envision heading down your street, ask yourself one simple question: is this, in fact, America? Is there even an America anymore, or are we just pawns in the one-percenters’ Q’Anon-marinated world domination every-seed-is-genetically-modified dastardly plan?
Is COVID, in fact, COVID, or is it something entirely deadlier? What’s in that vaccine anyway? Is it lifesaving antibodies or just snips and snails and puppy dog tails? We wonder about that movie, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: was it harmless good fun, or are the vaccinated simply hosts for tiny little dictators brainwashed from childhood to do Jeff Bezos’ bidding?
Line up now or risk public humiliation by government hacks disguised as health advocates and driving snazzy SUVs. Get ready to receive buckets of shame for your insistence on controlling what goes in your body. How dare you! In a year’s time, if the Invasion of the Body Snatchers neighbor-against-neighbor campaign hasn’t worn you down, travel restrictions (no vaccination, no boarding!) will. Buckle up, my friends.
Meanwhile, our sturdy fleet of SUVs and crossovers can guarantee one certainty: this army will handle high miles, angry mobs, and punishing weather conditions with ease. If not, dealers everywhere have been put on notice that the Federal government expects them to make good on the remaining factory warranty time period. After all, even COVID vaccinemobiles need regular maintenance.