By the end of 2020, I thought nothing could surprise me anymore; then we had 31 days of January, and now I don’t know what to think. From insurrection to poetry, from Bernie Sanders’s mittens to a renewed respect for science, and of course, there was Reddit and Wall Street. I didn’t expect to see random lunatics on the Internet’s favorite message boards demolish hedge funds for billions of dollars, but I’ve run out of things to expect at this point, so who knows!?
I had the chance to speak with one of the people that cashed in big time with the whole GameStop kerfuffle and ask him a few questions about his experience. The media had told me he was some kind of alt-right socialist monster trying to destroy hard-working billionaires who were just trying to feed their kids. But I wanted to see it for myself. I know him only as “HamThunder69,” a self-described “an retard autist;” his takeaways from the entire thing are, in a word, illuminating.
Excerpts From the Interview
HamThunder69, thanks for talking with me today.
“You’re welcome, Mr. Von Gourdboddum, it’s a pleasure – your reputation precedes you.”
I know. Now, tell me, I’ve heard you made quite a lot of money on GME, is that right?
“Yes it is. I don’t want to brag too much or get too specific, but I made several million on it. I’ve been on WSB for years and realized there was something different happening pretty early on, so I was able to get in on GME before it really hit the news.”
That’s impressive. What’re your thoughts on the whole experience?
“Hold GME! We like this stock!”
Okay. Um, yes. So how has this investment changed your life?
“Well, it’s really impacted it in a lot of little ways. I’ve been getting a full night’s sleep, my blood pressure has gone down, which I know cause I can actually afford to see a doctor on a routine basis now. And I’ve been making more investments. Y’know, building for the future and for my kids so they can have a good life too.”
Oh? That’s great. What investments have you made?
“Well, most of them are pretty small. But I got a hot tip from a buddy, did some looking online, and bought the Tumbler!”
Wow, what!? You bought Tumblr?
“No, well, I was supposed to invest in “Tumblr” I guess, or Facebook or something. But I thought he just missed a letter, so I bought the Tumbler. It’s a working replica of the one from the movie.”
The Tumbler? What do you—wait, the Tumbler from Batman Begins?
“Yeah! It’s got a bitchin’ V8 engine and four-wheel drive; it’s pretty rad. No cockpit that shoots out as a motorcycle or anything, but I mean, it’s still the Tumbler.”
So, are you Batman now?
“Well, I’m rich, and I have the Tumbler. And I am wearing a cape at the moment. So yeah, I’m pretty much Batman now.”
[Several minutes of silence as I consider this new reality] Any final thoughts to share?
“Yeah, just believe in your dreams and listen to strangers when they tell you what to do with your money! Stonks boys!!”
Stonks boys, indeed.
Editor’s Note: We’ve looked into the story of “HamThunder69” and it seems he lost more than $27,000 in previous investments based on suggestions from r/wallstreetbets. Let this be a reminder to always make your financial choices carefully and please yeet the rich responsibly. Thank you.