Awkward Foreign Kid Challenges 4th Most Popular Kid in Senior Class

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You’re about to read a story that’s about as interesting as the time we compared the 2018 GMC Sierra vs 2018 Honda Ridgeline. It is ironic, though…based on the title, one could argue that the two topics have some definite similarities.

As a society, 2018 America is torn between conflicting ideologies and schools of thought. Conservative or Liberal. Religious or Atheist. Nationalist or Globalist. The very human tendency towards labeling and compartmentalization are forcing the reality of a society divided across multiple fronts; and no matter what side of any aisle you find yourself on, you’ll find yourself inevitably locked in a never-ending battle of ‘us versus them.’

And no-one needs it pointed out to them that one of most divisive topics is that of immigration. Now, we could debate the historical significance of immigration to this country, or debate the prioritization of illegal immigrants over naturalized citizens, but those conversations are being had almost everywhere. If you’re that eager to push yourself down the rabbit hole, just walk into any room in the country and say, “Immigration. Am I right?” and you’ll inevitably get an earful of contradictory arguments from both sides.

It almost makes one long for the simple days of foreign exchange students. Remember when some kid with a weird accent would come to live with a family and go to your school for 6-months to a year, either (i) stealing the hearts of every girl in class using international machismo, or (ii) getting branded as a social misfit? For one exchange student in the small town of Ashby, MA the idea of a binary conclusion was thrown on its head.

Brandon and Kayla Parker don’t have any children of their own. Sure, they have a dog and four ducks, but neither have any immediate plans to bring children into the picture. That is until 15-year old Pasquale Montevideo entered their lives.

Having been approved for the International Exchange Student program, Pasquale was thrilled at the idea of spending the school year in the United States, and the opportunity to embrace American culture. Unable to find a suitable host family, the Parkers were recommended, despite the fact that they did not have a child of their own enrolled in the exchange program. And while Mr. and Mrs. Parker accepted the nomination, no-one could have anticipated the effect the experience would have on Pasquale.

Blame Danielle Bregoli (aka “Bhad Babie”) the former Dr.Phil guest who, at age 14, captivated internet culture with her now-famous catchphrase, “Cash Me Outside, How Bow Dat” and parlayed that fame into a growing hip-hop career.

“My husband loves Bhad Bhabie,” explains Kayla Parker. “ Actually, I’m not sure if he actually, does, or if its a joke, but he plays that, “Hi Bitch” song all the time. And I mean allllllll the time.” If you’re not familiar with the song, you can find it below, but we warn you…listen to more than 25 seconds and you might want to kill yourself.

And it was Brandon Parker’s tireless playing of the song that served to create a bond between him and Pasquale Montevideo, who was staying in his home. “He went from saying very little to walking around talking about ‘White J’s’ and ‘White Porsche’, “White Wrist’ and “White Horse’. The kid’s got flow.”

Enter Brent St. Peter, the 4th most popular Sophomore at Oakmont Regional High School. The backup quarterback,  St. Peter is well-known throughout the school as a talented beat-boxer and has a well-established history of grabbing the mic at high school dances, to entertain his peers. What he could never have anticipated at the annual Homecoming Dance was Pasquale Montevideo’s newly-ignited fascination with shitty hip-hop.

“I was called up to the deejay booth like I usually am at school dances,” explains St. Peter, “and I was just about to pick up the mic when the crowd split in front of me, and up walks that new foreign kid. He grabs the microphone and starts rapping about how he ‘don’t sniff it or roll it’ and how it ‘do not drip when he pour it.’ I’m not really sure what he was talking about, but the kid had a pretty great flow. It was clear that he was challenging me. Didn’t he know that I’m like the fourth most popular kid at Oakmont’?

(Editors Note: we apologize for the incomplete nature of this story, but our lead investigative journalist decided, at the end of the last paragraph, to take his own life, ashamed that this kind of story is what his life had become…)

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