THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Chevrolet and Cadillac have announced a new joint venture for an affordable but garish everyday sports/luxury car. This product is targeting a niche market that neither Cadillac nor Chevy has been quite able to entice: the entitled sons of rich men.
Chevrolet has long been General Motors’ utilitarian brand, producing simple commuter sedans, oversized trucks, and flavorless SUVs of all sizes. Cadillac, on the other hand, is GM’s luxury brand, producing a small lineup of expensive vehicles that boast the megacorporation’s best tech and comfort amenities.
There is a gulf between the two brands that General Motors has tried to fill with the likes of GMC and Buick, with GMC vying to produce classier versions of Chevy’s trucks and SUVs while Buick endeavors to be a more affordable alternative to Cadillac—but neither achieve their goal. Those who seek the utility of Chevy would prefer to get a higher trim on a trusted model rather than spring for a GMC that fares just as well but costs more for little reason, and those who have the money enough for a Buick feel no hesitation spending a bit more for the performance and extravagance they’re after in a Cadillac.
This prompted some serious deliberation in General Motors’ C-suite, which led to Junior Strategy Associate Dakely Ludlitz breaking hierarchical protocol and speaking up, suggesting they cut out the middlemen—GMC and Buick—to create a legitimate Chevrolet/Cadillac crossbreed.
Mary Barra, the Chief Executive Officer of General Motors and Chair of the GM Board of Directors, asked Ludlitz to climb out of the dog kennel in the corner of the boardroom and repeat himself. Ludlitz did, and Barra responded enthusiastically, pulling from her purse some two-dozen four-ounce confetti poppers and distributing them to those seated around the table.
The popper meant for GM President Mark Reuss was instead given to Ludlitz, with Barra saying Reuss wasn’t “allowed to participate” because he’s “too much of a froggy bitch”. Reuss reportedly frowned and glared at Ludlitz while the poppers were popped in unison. (Paul Jacobson, the Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer, was also denied a popper because, as Barra told him, “You look like a bloated bathwater baby today, and it’s grossing me out.”)
Dakely Ludlitz—his first name a portmanteau of “David” and “Blakely” as a compromise between his warring parents—was promptly promoted to the entirely new position of “Executive Junior Strategy Associate Team Leader of Design for Brand-Blended Products,” reporting directly to Barra.
Three months of closed-door designs with engineers and sculptors poached from other departments saw the BBP team draft what they called the “Chadillac.” It would be specifically designed for and marketed toward those young fuckboys who want a loud, fast, expensive car that doesn’t actually cost a lot of money but still has the appearance of something tech-savvy and fierce.
In his first public address, Ludlitz said, “The 2025 Chadillac will be perfect for the asshole sons of somewhat-wealthy, gray-haired men. It is for twenty-something boys who act half their age, who have average or subpar intelligence, who play lacrosse, and who dabble in sexual assault. It is for young men who don’t have a reliable income outside of their parents’ begrudging generosity. It is for people who vape and don’t have Facebook accounts. It is for the Chads, and it is lit.”
Ludlitz then leaned to his right and not-too-covertly asked his younger assistant if “the kids” still say “lit.” The assistant slowly shook her head as if to indicate “no.”
“The Chadillac,” Ludlitz resumed, “has the lavish accoutrements usually reserved for elite luxury cars, like interior ambient LED lighting, ventilated front seats, a flat-bottom steering wheel, and seventeen-speaker audio setups. It also has a large, hungry, supercharged V8 engine and the kinkiest mufflers we could find, guaranteeing the throatiest groans when the pedal is floored.”
“It has two rows, four doors, no trunk, and only one cupholder. SiriusXM will be included, obviously—bababooey—and the infotainment touchscreen will just be a straight-up iPad bolted into the dash. The exterior combines the brutish front end of an Escalade, the sloping booty of a CT5-V, and the overall styling of a Camaro. It is truly a masterpiece of machismo. In fact, I came in my pants thinking about it just now.”
Ludlitz turned to his assistant and asked about getting his backup pants. The assistant left.
“I would show you a picture,” Ludlitz said, “but it’s in an album on my phone that’s time-locked to keep me from looking at it all day and beating myself raw.”
The 2025 Chadillac is expected to get a fuel economy rating of about 16 MPG combined in rear-wheel drive, and it is expected to debut with an MSRP north of $38k. Available exterior colors include Hot Red, Bluish Blue, Monster Energy™ Green, Vin Diesel White, and Vin Diesel Black.
