In today’s world of social and racial unrest, many Americans are hesitant to broach any topic that could be deemed as controversial or insensitive. With every day the simple act of having a conversation grows progressively more challenging. New groups form, old labels are refuted and new triggers present themselves forcing society to walk on eggshells. Regardless of the topic, you can rest assured that you run the risk of offending someone if you ‘make a joke’ or ‘tell a story’ that hits too close to home. Then again, you can’t beat the classics, so…
Speaking of Slavery…
62-year old Shawnda Rhymez (no relation) was in the market for a new car. Concerned that she wouldn’t find a reliable vehicle for what she could afford on her fixed income, she decided to follow the advice of a friend and search for a private sale on Craig’s List.
That friend was Bob ‘Uh-Oh’ Riley, Ms. Rhymez’ downstairs neighbor. Boastful of his success at selling his 1995 Dodge Stratus for an ‘undisclosed amount’. (Editorial note: after three nips of Relska vodka, we were able to get Mr. Riley to confirm the ‘undisclosed amount’ as ‘$14 and a Buffalo Wild Wings voucher for a child-sized sundae, limit one topping’. It was also confirmed that the alleged buyer was actually charity junk collectors 1.877.KARS4KIDS).
Ms. Rhymez, who had no prior experience with Craig’s List, found herself instilled with faulty confidence. Unfortunately, she had little or no experience with computers, referring to them as ‘Satan’s Radio’. But despite her discomfort with modern technology, her desire to proceed with the search prevailed and she enlisted Mr. Riley’s assistance in searching for a Chevy Cruze for sale.
“I don’t mind helping her,” shared Mr. Riley. “Even if she is a dominating ice bitch.”
“My second-husband Levante once had his eyes on a 2011 Chevy Cruze. He used to promise me that once he got it, he’d take me out every night,” explained Ms. Rhymez. “He would have gotten that car too, but then one morning he was gone. Not dead, but ran off with some nasty little hood-rat named Tina. Can you believe that? Tina! What kind of name is Tina? Good riddance, I say…but I did love that car. But Bob assured me that I couldn’t trust a dealership. Apparently, those crooks downtown (at Dave Coulier Chrysler-Dodge of Chicago) weren’t going to give him anything for his Stratus. Nothing! I mean, sure…it was over 20 years old, had almost three-hundred thousand miles on it, was held together with Bond-O, had a donut for a front-passenger tire and smells like a cat in heat, but it had to be worth…’something’.”
And it was.
“Bob got the money he deserved by selling it on that ‘Greg’s Lisp’. It seems to me that you can trust actual people more than you can trust a shady car dealership. So you can bet your milky-white ass that I was ready to give it a try and see if I could find me a Chevy Cruze”
Unfortunately, Mr. Riley’s reputation of computer literacy was largely unfounded. Much like his tales of financial windfall resulting from the sale of his Stratus, his ability to navigate Craig’s List had been exaggerated to the point of complete inaccuracy. True to his nickname, Bob ‘Uh-Oh’ Riley would accidentally post Ms. Rhymez ad for ‘Chevy Cruze For Sale’ under the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craig’s List.
Meanwhile, in Bethesda MD…
When Mexican-American immigrants Ramon and Esperanza Cruz named their son after their favorite American actor, they had no way of knowing he would eventually share his name with a car. The devout Catholics also had no way of knowing that he would grow up fascinated with deviant sexually-submissive behavior.
So one day, 19-year old Chevy Cruz decided to leave the nurturing environment of suburban Bethesda MD to explore his interests. While his final destination was Albuquerque NM, he recognized that would need to make some quick money.
“We had no idea what Craig’s List was,” shared Ramon Cruz. “All I know is that one day, our son disappeared. We wouldn’t hear from him again for three days.”
“Not that we heard from him,” added Mrs. Cruz. “We heard from the Illinois State Police, who had found him en route to Chicago, strapped half-naked to a flat-bed, wearing a leather mask made out of zippers with one of those…”
“Ball-gags,” offered Mr. Cruz.
“Really, Ramon?,” inquired Mrs. Cruz. “Why do you even know what those are called. You probably learned it from that…that…Tina!”
(At the point, the interview turned into a lot of Spanish profanity and blatant sexual tension. We left, and hit up Chipotle…)
Back in Chicago…
Ms. Rhymez was excitedly awaiting the delivery of her new car, en route from Maryland. She recounted her Craig’s List experience, sharing, “I’m no fool, they just don’t make cars like they used to. Even if I was able to find a newer model, I knew it could have some wear and tear, but I didn’t want anything that was too loud or rode too rough. So I when Bob posted my add, I tried to be as up-front as possible.”
We were able to secure a copy of Ms. Rhymez Craig’s List ad, posted under the username ‘Dominating Ice-Bitch) which reads as follows:
(Dominating Ice-Bitch) ’Seeking Chevy Cruze to spice up my nights. Must be compliant, quiet and ready for anything. Okay if slightly damaged, but must come in leather, ready to be driven immediately.”
According to the Illinois State Police…
“This happens more than you might think,” offered Lt. Detective Stevia McQueen.
“Actually, I’m just joking around. This is pretty messed up. Don’t get me wrong, all kinds of shady things happen on Craig’s List, but a ball-gagged, zipper-masked, Latino kid from Maryland strapping himself to a flat-bed paid for an elderly Chicago retiree who’s afraid of the computer just sounds like something you’d read about on www.thelemon.news
Satirical automotive news site ‘The Lemon’ could not be reached for comment.
