Cincinnati, OH – Of those seeking an oil change Cincinnati drivers might want to steer clear of the MIDAS location on the corner of Wessex Avenue. Well, let us clarify…they might want to steer clear of it if they consider themselves sensitive to the plight of the mentally ill. Okay, let us clarify things further…they might want to steer clear of it if they consider themselves sensitive to bizarre, irrational fears (however documented they might be by the American Psychiatric Association).
Last Thursday afternoon, Tom Brehm left work early, intending to get an oil change done on his 1995 Dodge Stratus. In the grand scheme of things, his plans seemed quite normal. Understanding the demands of caring for such a classic vehicle, Tom Brehm was almost religiously diligent in the Stratus’ maintenance. In fact, some might say that his diligence verged on being a diagnosable disorder.
Speaking of diagnosable disorders, Tom Brehm suffered from two. The first, Rhinotillexomania, is an obsessive-compulsive disorder which causes the afflicted to engage in habitual nose-picking. The second, Fregoli Delusion, is the irrational fear that people have been replaced by evil duplicates, strangers wearing cunning disguises. And while most of Tom Brehm’s visit to MIDAS would be spent with his finger up his nose, it was merely a coping mechanism considering that the entire staff appeared inhumanly handsome, and irrationally clean for mechanics.
“They looked like stock photography models,” recounts Brehm, his finger planted firmly up one nostril. “Within my first two minutes there, I knew what was happening at that MIDAS. It was staffed exclusively by aliens using some kind of cloaking technology to appear human.”
If Tom Brehm sounds confused, one can imagine how the MIDAS employees felt when they learned of his claims. We spoke to Brett McNamara, Service Manager at the garage who addressed Brehm’s concerns regarding his appearance. “Well, I’m clean because I’m the service manager. I organize the customer work orders and assign them to the techs. And if I’m handsome, it’s probably because my mother was an Israeli-born fashion model and my father was a lifelong athlete with a lantern-jaw and a rabid belief in strong dental hygiene.”
Normally, The Lemon would be suspicious of Mr. Brehm’s claims, but the almost scripted directness of Brett McNamara’s answer inspired some understandable debate in our minds. Naturally, we set that bias aside to examine further details related to Brehm’s visit.
“He wasn’t the only one!” Brehm stated in his report to the Cincinnati police. “The rest of them were handsome too! Maybe not crazy handsome like that front desk dude, but definitely better-looking than me and that’s saying something!”
Now, with all due respect, it’s worth stating that Tom Brehm might not be viewed as a conventionally handsome man. Almost entirely facially asymmetrical, it became clear that Tom Brehm’s delusions of his own handsomeness were an indication that he suffered from Fascia Dysmorphia, his third mental diagnosable mental illness.
McNamara had little insight to offer in that regard but recounted his team’s inability to maintain composure when faced with Brehm’s compulsive nose-picking. “Some of the guys couldn’t stop laughing. I felt bad, but that guy was clearly digging for gold. Next thing I know he’s getting unruly, yelling and screaming, the police are there, and we’re being handed a citation for infliction of emotional abuse and being questioned about our identities by Homeland Security. I’ll tell you, we just don’t need that kind of hassle around here, we’re just trying to offer the second-best oil change in Cincinnati!”
So, to clarify further, stay away from this Cincinnati MIDAS location if you’re sensitive to the plight of the mentally ill, if you’re a chronic nose picker, if you think you’re better looking than you are, if you don’t like aliens working on your car, or if you’re looking for the first best oil change in Cincinnati. Best to play if safe.