Stop Believing the Lies

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A person i shown driving a car on the way to a car alignment near you.

Did your car fall out of line again? I’m not surprised. It seems that everywhere you look these days, you’ve got cars going all over the road, and I, for one, am sick of it. But have you ever stopped and thought, “why?” Why are so many cars having alignment issues? What’s the greater issue at the root of this alignment epidemic? One word: turns. Turns are one of the worst things that can happen to your car. You have to stop turning your car. You just do. Now, you’ve probably landed upon this here page because you searched something along the lines of “car alignment near me,” and that’s all well and good, but you should know that this issue is just going to keep occurring unless you relocate. As in move. Now, before you give me the whole “that seems a little extreme” song and dance, listen to me because I am going to tell you something they won’t tell you anywhere else.

You’ve Been Lied To

Now, listen, I’m sorry if I seemed a little bit intense in my first paragraph. The truth of the matter is that you’re not the one at fault here; in fact, you are the victim of the dirtiest lie in automotive history. Well, maybe the second dirtiest; we all remember the great break pad scandal of ‘87.

Anyway, you were told by some uninformed drivers’ ed instructor who spends his days in a library basement that smells like unrefrigerated egg salad that you should turn your car whenever you need to. “Do it,” he says, as he smiles that dirty smile and curls his upper lip to reveal his extra tooth, “turn the car.” This, however, is some of the most obscene indoctrination that happens day after day in our joke of an education system. Now, the truth of the matter is that this is not entirely the fault of your drivers’ ed instructor either; what else is he supposed to teach in a world full of intersections? You can’t drive two miles these days without being peer-pressured into turning. I blame the government.

Stop

If you actually look at the architecture of a car, the steering system is quite fragile and should really only be used on an as-need basis. By “as-needed basis,” of course, I mean for emergency purposes only. Say you’re about to get hit by a semi. Sure, move to the side a bit. Say you’re getting pulled over by a cop. If that’s the case, then you don’t deserve to drive in the first place, so at that point, just stop the car and get out with your hands up. Say you’ve been a responsible driver, only driving straight, but you realize you’ve been going the wrong direction for 300 miles. Put the car in reverse.

Now, say, on a Sunday afternoon, you’re feeling hungry for a big old slice of crazy pie, and you just need to let out your aggressive desire to change directions. Sure, make a turn. But only do so very gently and lightly, not turning your wheel more than you have to, and never more than once a week. I mean it. If you want your vehicle to last, you need to stop turning. I implore you to heed my advice. Every time you turn your steering wheel, your car falls just a little bit out of line. The more you turn, the more out of line the car will fall, and someday it won’t know right from left or up from down.

I’m Serious

This is why you must relocate. If you want to maintain your car’s health, then you’ve got to relocate to a home that is in perfect alignment with your job, your local grocer, your dentist, and anything else that is important to you. Make sure it’s a direct straight shot, and don’t even bother with parking in the lot; find a spot on the street and rest assured that your vehicle will never fall out of alignment again. You think I’m joking? Fine, you can think that. I hope you have fun drowning in repair bills for the rest of your life, never being able to take your kids to Disney World, and always bumming rides off of your estranged uncle because your car is constantly in the shop.

I hope you enjoy the life you have chosen.

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