Taking care of your vehicle is essential – everyone knows that. If you’re shaking your head right now and thinking, “No, it’s not,” then you can get the hell out of here right now! But listen up children, because I’m going to spill a boiling cauldron of truth all over your heads: you’re not taking care of your vehicle properly. Oh sure, you schedule service and maintenance like oil changes and tire rotations, but that’s nothing.
Real, PROPER vehicle maintenance means asking for special services that you won’t see advertised. See, the folks behind the scenes know about all this – they know what it really takes to keep a car running for 30 or 40 years, but they don’t want you to know. They want you to own a car for five or six years, maybe a decade, and then buy a new one. It’s all part of the cycle, part of the carousel that the auto industry has us on. It’s circular – goes up and down, and around – circular.
But if you really want to get the most out of your vehicle, here’s what you need to ask for the next time you call and schedule service. Just tell ‘em your Uncle Von Gourdboddum sent ya!
If your car still has the dinky headlamps it was manufactured with, you’re doing yourself a tremendous disservice. Small headlights are fine, I suppose, but to really get attention while you’re on the road, you need big headlamps. Huge, monstrous headlamps that defy all boundaries and remind the world that a few heroes still walk the earth. You deserve headlamps that will fill you with confidence and damn-near turn onto a road before you do.
Ask about headlamp enhancements that can improve your visibility and ensure you get a lot more attention on the road. Trust me, people will honk and holler, they’ll slow down, lower their windows, and howl at the glorious sight of your bold, proud headlamps. Sure, you might lose some headlamp sensitivity, and there’s always the risk that the enhancements could rupture and cause damage to other components, but that’s a small price to pay for the extra attention you’ll get when it rains, or it’s cold outside!
Rear Bumper Implants
Now I know what you’re probably thinking, you’re thinking, “But Rutherfjord, aren’t big ole’ headlamps so the 1980s and 90s?” Yeah, you’re probably right. Don’t get me wrong, I still love a big set of headlamps… on the front of a car… but these days, and for the last couple of decades, it’s been more and more about the rear bumpers. I get it; we all enjoy the extra comfort and aesthetic appeal of full, luscious bumpers, especially on a sturdy SUV. But we can’t all be blessed with cars that have the kind of large bumpers we deserve.
Fear not, oh wretched scallywags; you’re in luck! Next time you call your favorite house of auto repairs to schedule service for your vehicle, ask them about rear bumper implants. Sure, they might not feel quite as good as the factory ones, but they can significantly increase the size and padding of your rear bumper. You might lose a little trunk space, and there’s the risk that the implants will end up shifting and get tangled up in your suspension, but until that happens, you’re sure to get noticed with your massive and durable bumper.
Interior Rejuvenation Processing
“Vanity is the soul of happiness,” as the saying goes – and each of us must struggle with insecurities in our own way. One day, you might get into your car, look around, and realize the interior just isn’t what it used to be. The seats feel too loose and uncomfortable, the leather details may have faded and worn, and perhaps things just aren’t where they’re supposed to be. Don’t get me wrong – personally, I find all interiors… car interiors… beautiful, but I don’t begrudge anyone the desire for a little rejuvenation.
If you feel like your interior isn’t as tight and appealing as it used to be, then perhaps some rejuvenation is in order. Talk to your favorite repairs personage about interior rejuvenation processing and what it can do for you and your vehicle. They can get in there and clean up the place, tightening up the lining and bringing your seats back to life in a way you thought could never happen.
Don’t worry fellas, I know a lot of you are more worried about the exterior of your vehicle. There are rejuvenation processes and enhancements available for you too. If you’re concerned that your hood ornament is not as large as it could be, or concerned that your pistons just aren’t firing like they used to, then consider a front-end enhancement or rejuvenation. This will ensure your motor runs appropriately and gets you where you need to go every time.
Tailpipe Waxing and Bleaching
For those of you genuinely concerned about every aesthetic detail, you can go the extra mile and get your tailpipe waxed and bleached. I know, I know, this seems excessive, and it was often laughed off as an absurdity 10 or 20 years ago, but times have changed. Now everyone wants that clean, polished exhaust pipe that looks like it has never been used.
Proper waxing can remove any debris and buildup from around your… vehicle’s… tailpipe to ensure it is smooth and clean. Then, bleaching helps remove natural staining that occurs over years of use, to make your tailpipe appear more pristine. This may seem like the height of vanity and self-consciousness, but really, who are we to judge what other people enjoy and find rewarding. If someone wants to keep their tailpipe waxed and freshly bleached to feel better about themselves, then so be it.
And who among us, when looking at a bleached tailpipe, doesn’t appreciate its beauty and the elegance of its design? Sure, it’s still there to release exhaust, and you certainly don’t want to put your mouth on it, but that lovely, immaculate tailpipe has a character all its own.
Complete Engine Cleanse
Finally, as you ponder different ways to keep your vehicle clean, consider a complete engine cleanse the next time you schedule service for your car. While it’s true that your vehicle has systems built into it that keep it clean already, many people have found that it’s best to ignore all that and instead try to use different methods of cleansing to improve performance. For example, some technicians will offer a lemon juice cleanse for your engine or run good ole’ fashioned bleach throughout your entire transmission system to really get it to where it should be.
It’s worth noting that most of these cleanses don’t actually help or do anything beneficial for your car’s system. In fact, many of them can be quite dangerous, especially if you have a young car that you force this sort of cleansing on. But with so many celebrities telling us about the benefits of such a vehicle cleanse, how can it not work?!
Editor’s Note: Unlike many of this writer’s other articles, this one is clearly well researched and thoroughly vetted. We highly recommend that you inquire about these services the next time your vehicle needs maintenance, and please feel free to tell us about your results. Thank you.