Listen, dammit: over the years, I’ve worked with a lot of fine people that write a lot of exceptional articles about a lot of great vehicles, and they all make the same mistake – they give us facts and specs that no one cares about. Let’s say you’re interested in comparing a couple of vehicles like the 2020 Chevy Blazer vs 2020 Kia Sorento, so you look them up online, maybe you find some articles or webpages comparing these two vehicles against each other. Great, right? Wrong!
Why? Because you’re going to find a bunch of useless information about the interior materials – who cares about whether this thing has leather seating or how that thing has cloth? How does that affect me in my everyday life? It doesn’t! Or they’ll tell me about horsepower and interior cargo space for passengers or whatever and it’s all just meaningless foofaraw!
What about the questions I need to be answered? How many sausages can I fit into your vehicle, Mr. Automakerman? Huh!? I’m kicking down the doors; I’m asking the hard questions and getting the real answers the auto industry doesn’t want you to know!
Tell Me About the Sausages, Dammit!
I’m going to make this really simple for you: the only thing that matters about any vehicle – ANY VEHICLE – is how many sausages you can fit inside it. If you’re buying a car, truck, or SUV based on any other metric, then you are doing it wrong, and you deserve to experience the inevitable remorse that will wake you in the bitter watches of the night. What are you going to do? Rely on a friend or loved one to help you transport your sausages? That is the raving of a lunatic if ever I’ve heard it.
I don’t have the time or inclination to consider every possible sausage out there – Sorry. So you might have to make some sausage conversions for this article to really work for you, but I have confidence in you. You were wise and cunning enough to make your way here and find the only information on the Internet worth knowing. So you certainly have access to the Standard Imperial Sausage Association conversion charts. (I recommend one of the newer ones based on 18.e.024 standards or later – if you go with one of the 17.q.169 standards or something even earlier, then I can’t promise you will have any real accuracy in your conversions).
For myself, I’ve chosen the Slovenian sausage metric, which I feel has the right size and amount of garlic in it for this information to be useful for me. Based on SISA standards, Slovenian sausages measure about 6 inches in length and 1 inch in both width and height on average. Some simple head-math tells us, then, that 288 sausages, on average, fit into a cubic-foot of volume.
The 2020 Chevy Blazer
Assuming Chevrolet is not lying about their sausage-based dimensions (though I make no promises), the 2020 Chevy Blazer has up to 30.5 cubic ft. of space behind the second row of seats, and 64.2 cubic ft. of space behind the front row. Who cares about the cubic feet?! Here’s what you need to know…
You can get approximately 8,784 sausages (remember, I’m using the Slovenian sausage metric here according to SISA 18.e.024 standards) behind the second row of seating, which meets most of my needs. More importantly, you can pile more than 18,400 sausages behind the front row of the 2020 Chevy Blazer. According to my calculations, this brings the grand total of sausages to 27,184 per 2020 Blazer. Personally, I won’t choose an SUV that doesn’t at least offer 15,000 sausages worth of storage, so I’m pretty happy to see these numbers.
I feel it is also worth noting that, according to Chevrolet, you get 107.8 cubic ft. of passenger volume inside the 2020 Blazer. Why is this important? Well, it means that if you are concerned about your passengers turning into sausages while you’re on the open road, or vice versa, (and who isn’t!?), then you get more than 31,000 passenger-sausages worth of space in the Blazer. All-too-often I look at SUVs with all kinds of great features and options, but once I ask the dealer about its passenger-sausage volume, they start to stutter as they realize I’ve tripped them up. Well done, Chevrolet, honestly, your Blazer is a sausage transportation machine unlike any other.
But is it really unlike any other? I just said that, sure, but how do you know I’m telling the truth. You don’t know me – maybe I’m full of crap? How can you trust that I have your best sausage interests at heart and that I’m not just another shill working for the modern sausage-industrial-auto complex like so many other so-called “writers” on this site? You don’t!
The 2020 Kia Sorento
So let’s see what the 2020 Kia Sorento has to offer in terms of my sausage transportation needs. The Sorento has three rows of passenger seating and much more space inside – oh snap. (This is a sausage pun: sausages should have a satisfying snap due to their use of natural animal casing. If your sausage doesn’t snap, you send it back!). It seems as though I lied after all. The Sorento has up to 11.3 cubic ft. of space behind the third row, up to 38 cubic ft. behind the second row, and at least 73 cubic ft. behind the front row.
All of this data means you get enough room for more than 3,200 sausages behind the third row, and you can get damn-near 11,000 sausages behind the second row. In terms of total storage, approximately 21,024 sausages can be loaded into the 2020 Kia Sorento. I’m nearly speechless (I assure you, I’m never totally speechless) as I consider this incredible sausage transport potential. It’s… it’s beautiful. I picture it, and I just… no, there are no words; they should’ve assigned this to a poet.
According to Kia, the 2020 Sorento has 154.2 cubic ft. of passenger space, since it seats up to 7 passengers, compared to the 5-passenger seating in the 2020 Chevy Blazer. This means you get more than 44,400 passenger-sausages of space in the Sorento. So yeah, I was wrong. The Blazer is an alright vessel for transporting your sausages, but it simply cannot live up to what the Sorento delivers. When your passengers turn into sausages, you and they will be happy that you have enough room for them in the 2020 Kia Sorento – and that’s the kind of thing they should be bragging about in their advertisements.
The 2020 Kia Sorento: It has the room you need for your sausages!
Editor’s Note: We’re really not sure what to say about this – we checked the writer’s math and spoke with a representative from the Standard Imperial Sausage Association, and they assured us that the information in the preceding article is factually accurate. Based on all the data we have on-hand at this time, the above is true – the 2020 Kia Sorento does offer you substantially more room for your sausages and… “passenger-sausages” than the 2020 Chevy Blazer. We’re not entirely sure what to do with that, but we can’t figure out how to delete this article. So… you’re welcome? We’re going home – Thank you.