Seven Pro Quarantine Tips from an Isolation All-Star!

Hospital staff in masks and gloves are clapping for an Isolation All-Star Award.

Friends, if you’re anything like me, then dear G-d what’s wrong with you!? Why would you do this? Why!? Now the rest of you, you’re probably wondering how to get through isolation or quarantine – how to “live your best life” while also staying safe and protected from the horrifying, invisible nightmares being expelled by the filthy and disgusting droves of humanity. People who are just milling through grocery store aisles and walking their beautiful dogs all around you and spreading germs.

Well, boys and girls, you’re in luck. As someone well skilled in isolation (I’ve been in this bunker for seven years now and you sure as hell won’t be the one to drag me out of it!), I’ve learned a lot along the way. And today, I’m here to share these valuable lessons with you, to make your lives a little better, and hopefully show you that there’s a path we can all walk on together to get through this. A wide, yawning pathway so we don’t have to walk too close to each other, and with a destination shrouded in smoke, the sound of screaming, and oppressive heat that smells a lot like old eggs.

Tip #1 – Living Your Best Life

Let’s just rip off the bandage here: How do you live your best life? You don’t. It’s over folks – hope you enjoyed the ride because the fun part is all in the past. From here on out, it’s all going to be clubbing each other for canned goods, learning to grind pavement into an edible paste, and thinking about how many hours we wasted bitching online instead of holding hands with a loved one and watching the sunset together.

The good news, however, is that you can still scrape together something that resembles what we might have once called a “life.” The rest of these tips are all about that, so while you might feel right now like the road ahead is leading you into a desolate wasteland, I suggest you remember the wise words of Homer J Simpson as he comforted his son, who had just lamented, “This is the worst day of my life.” He reminded him, “The worst day of your life so far.”

Tip #2 – Fire is Your Friend

Our primitive ancestors knew it, and one of the first things you need to learn is that fire is your friend. It will chase away the darkness, keep the incoming tide of ravenous bears and massive jungle cats at bay, and provide you with heat that you can cook upon. Not that you’re going to have any food pretty soon, but we’ll get to that in a moment (see Tip #4).

I suggest building as large a fire as possible in a convenient location, preferably your living room. That might seem strange right now, but you need to have your fire somewhere that you can easily tend to it and ensure it keeps burning. Plus, you want it close so that you can protect your fire from those that will inevitably come to steal it. Now I know what you’re thinking: “But I can just share my fire with them, or give them some fire on a large stick.”

That’s pre-apocalyptic talk, and I won’t have any of it! Today you share the fire, tomorrow you’re sharing shelter, and the day after that, society is being rebuilt. No, no. Better to protect what’s yours and ensure you have an advantage over everyone else.

An Isolation All-Star Award is in front of a house fire.

Tip #3 – Building a Friend

Now, you’re going to get lonely during your isolation, even if you have a friend or spouse or children in there with you. It’s just not the same – trust me; you’ll be sick of them eventually. And when their voice has become akin to the sound of a fork scraping across a porcelain dinner plate, you’ll need to have a new chatting partner.

I recommend building a new friend out of materials that you don’t need for anything else. Now that the highways of America have been abandoned, and they’re practically giving gas away, you might as well tear apart your car for scrap. Not only can you use a lot of the materials you find to keep your fire burning (remember tip #1), but you can also use those parts to build your new friend.

A gas tank makes a fine torso, while the cold, lifeless digital display that once provided you with turn-by-turn directions is the perfect canvas upon which to etch the elegant contours and merry features of your new companion. Then you can wake up tomorrow and say, “Good morning, Emmett. Thanks for being my friend during all of this – you’re the only one I can trust. Not like the others, with their whispers and jealous glances. They’ll never have what we have, Emmett. Never! Now come here, let me feel your embrace once more, let me feel your—“

A man is next to an award and a fake girlfriend made out of a gas can.

Tip #4 – Eating a Friend

Now that you’ve run out of food, you’ll need to consider new avenues for sustenance. Let me be clear about this: I am in no way suggesting, advising, or condoning cannibalism. If anyone with what remains of law enforcement or the roaming bands of mob rule read this: I do not condone cannibalism at any time!

That being said, it’s hard to deny the plump, delicious curve of a lover’s thigh. I’m not saying you should eat your friends since you now have your stoic, trusting Mechanoman to remain by your side for all the long years to come. I’m not saying that at all. But if it happens, Emmett won’t judge you.

Orange slices, a glass of orange juice, a knife, and duct tape are on a table next to a trophy.

Tip #5 – Get Outside Sometimes

Remember to get out and have a feel of the outside world every now and again. I know it can be tempting to seal yourself away behind the walls of your isolated paradise, never again to be bothered by phone calls while you’re eating or the knock at your door of someone looking to hoist their religion crudely upon you. We’ve all wished for such things… But it’s best to take a trip outside every now and again.

Look at the darkened edifices of what was once our great society. See the shadowy interior of shopping malls and megastores, nothing more than bleak reminders of what had been. Walk through the echoing corridors of grocery stores that once housed all the food we could ever need, now abandoned and left to the throngs of mutants that emerge from the forests that surround us every night to feed upon the unwary. Head to a local used car dealership and discuss your financing options, with great rates available that showcase that there has never been a better time than now to buy!

Tip #6 – Buy Gold!

Tip #7 – [Content Deleted]

Sometimes, it can be challenging to get through isolation, and the feeling of being cut off from the rest of society certainly takes its toll. Just remember that we’re all in this together, and together we’ll get through it. Stay safe, stay inside, and whatever you do, don’t listen to the things your reflection says to you when you talk to the mirror. They’re lies – LIES!

A man in a gas mask is next to a gas can and a fire while looking at live auto news on his laptop.

Editor’s Note: We would like to remind you once again that the writer of this piece is neither a trained life coach nor mental health professional. Following any advice provided in the preceding article is both inadvisable and likely to be highly dangerous. Besides, your friends are probably not that delicious; you should send them to our offices instead, and we’ll let you know. Thank you.


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