There are a lot of midsize SUVs available these days, so picking the right one can be difficult. It can help to look at just one or two at a time and compare them, such as focusing on the 2020 Chevy Blazer vs 2020 Kia Sorento. Looking at these two vehicles, we can see that they both—okay, I’m already bored by this. Do you really care about these two SUVs and the performance they each offer? Just get the Blazer already – it has cargo space and an engine that goes….vroom?
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I want to share a recent interview that I conducted with Mr. Ford Fordson, CEO of Ford Motor Company. He revealed interesting (dare I say shocking?) tidbits about what’s going on at America’s premier automaker. But, are they the premier automaker? Note to self: check on that.
Now onto the show!
An Interview with Ford Fordson
Ford Fordson is a massive, imposing figure of a man. The sort of fellow they used to call a “man’s man.” He is, perhaps, the most “built Ford tough” man I’ve ever gazed upon. I am not attracted to him in what you would call a romantic manner, but it’s true that his full beard nearly demands to have one’s fingers run through it. He is quite magnificent.
ME: Mr. Fordson, thank you for taking the time to meet with me today – I know your schedule is busy. First off, just so we’re on the same page, this is not going to be some lightweight puff piece. I’m a hard-hitting journalist, dammit, with a desk and a chair that has feet under it and everything. I don’t know whose feet they are, that’s not important. Now, first question: who the hell are you?
FORDSON: Today, tomorrow, and purple – those are the key features of the upcoming Ford Micromobile.
ME: That doesn’t answer my– wait. Are you announcing a new vehicle? What’s the Ford Micromobile? A new subcompact model?
FORDSON: Ultra subcompact. Small enough to fit in your pocket. No engine or electrical system – we’re going back to basics with this one: one door, three wheels, and seventeen seats.
ME: Are you… are you describing a small toy of some kind?
FORDSON: The jellyfish need cars too!
ME: Interesting. Is Ford manufacturing a vehicle for jellyfish?
At this point, Mr. Fordson looks around uncomfortably. It’s clear he has said too much and is nervous about others listening in and hearing this revelation. For the record, this interview is being conducted in an abandoned auto plant.
FORDSON: Oh yes… yes. For decades, we’ve known that jellyfish were looking to open up their borders to more auto manufacturers. You see, the Japanese have had exclusive rights to those waters for generations – but the old contracts are coming to an end. The jellyfish market is opening up to western manufacturers. GM and [screeching sound] are already working on developing their offerings, so we can’t be left behind.
ME: Of course, of course. Go on, please.
FORDSON: It’s the tentacles, you see – they provide the most significant challenge. You can’t just use a platform designed for squid, like the Ford Blurggleflurf or the Chevy Xplbmgtld, and expect it to work for jellyfish. Different tentacles have different needs. That’s always been our philosophy at Ford, and it’s served us well for over 100 years.
ME: Henry Ford was well known for his stance on tentacles.
FORDSON: Yes, of course – he was a tentacle man, through and through. His words guide us to this day. As you approach any Ford auto plant, you’ll see those famous words: “Designed by tentacles, for tentacles – Ad meliora!” etched in fiery letters over the door. We still live and work by those words, and so we’ve been dedicated to finding a better way to accommodate our mucilaginous friends and more gelatinous customers.
So yes, we’ve been working on our entry for the jellyfish market. But how do you reach such storied heights? How can we, who have never had a successful aquatic automobile, delve deep into the hoary depths and make a name for ourselves there? We consulted the Old Ones, of course, as is tradition, and their guidance was indeed fortuitous.
Mr. Fordson shows me a tattoo on his left forearm at this point during the interview. It is of an ancient sigil – what I believe some call the “elder sign.”
ME: Is that–?
FORDSON: [cackling for a couple of minutes] Indeed. Now you begin to understand. Jellyfish are only the beginning. Far more customers wait for us in the untrammeled abysses beyond the ken of human imagination—eyes that have never seen the sun, those born under strange stars and long-forgotten constellations.
ME: What about the F-150?
FORDSON: It’s a truck, as far as we know. But it is also so much more. Most people do not realize that the engine in the current F-150 can be removed and is completely edible.
ME: Isn’t it made out of metal?
FORDSON: Edible metal! It’s a little something we’ve been… cooking up… for quite some time. Most people never realize it because they’re far too timid to try. But for the brave, the bold in character and strong in spirit, they will give their engine a good lick and taste the truth for themselves. The whole thing is made out of broccoli.
ME: The engine is…?
At this point, Mr. Fordson produces a few broccoli florets from his pocket. He begins chewing on them vigorously, holding each floret in two hands, nervously glancing about as he chews on the luscious greens with all the energetic health of a noble squirrel.
FORDSON: [wiping his mouth as he continued] Oh yes, broccoli engines have been industry standard for… oh, I’d say nearly 40 years.
ME: At Ford?
FORDSON: Everywhere! It’s all broccoli! Once you take the lid off this industry, get inside and go for a swim in the murky waters of automotive design, you realize it’s broccoli through and through! Rich, luxurious florets that beg the question: can you cauliflower?
ME: Can I…?
FORDSON: Can you cauliflower, on that fancy phone of yours?
ME: That joke really works better spoken than in text.
FORDSON: But you’ll use it anyway, won’t you, you weirdo?
Mr. Fordson receives a phone call on a phone so futuristic and impressive in its design that you could easily mistake it for an old baked potato wrapped lovingly in aluminum foil.
FORDSON: I’m sorry Von Gourdboddum, but I have to go. [He stands and flourishes his luxurious cape] My city needs me!
Mr. Fordson ended our interview by running away, his cape floating gently in the mid-afternoon breeze, making “wooshing” sounds with his mouth as he fled. Truly, he is the most American of heroes and the finest of capitalist warlords. Pictures attached.
Editor’s Note: The included pictures were of a hunched over, beaten down figure of a man with a scraggly, graying beard and long, tangled hair. Many of them were scratched out and included the photographer’s blurry thumbs in the foreground. We have not published these images for the sake of our more sensitive readers, nor have we been able to contact “Mr. Fordson” to verify the contents of this interview. You have read it at your own discretion. Thank you.