In much the same way the porn industry has always been on the cutting edge of adopting new and impressive video technology, so too has the auto industry often led the way in embracing revolutionary power technology. From hybrid engines to electric vehicles, you can find plenty of examples of the brains behind the auto market leaping forward to develop exciting advancements. Soon, you’ll find another such example of innovation at dealerships beside the Chevy Camaro and Silverado: the upcoming Chevy Pox.
New Technology on the Horizon
Just this month, on a cool morning in downtown Los Angeles, Chevy’s top engineers revealed the next phase of clean energy. A select group of media insiders and top brand influencers were in attendance, waiting with bated breath to see what the future would hold for us. As the sun rose, cold and bright over the buildings around us, several men and women in white lab coats and protective face masks came out to greet us. A hush fell over all in attendance as one of them, a blonde woman with steely blue eyes, stepped forward to speak.
“Hello, and welcome to you all,” she said, “and thank you for joining us here today. You know that all of us at Chevy pride ourselves on developing impressive new technology that changes the way we drive, the way we interact with our world, and the way we think about energy. Today, we are proud to announce the next evolution of automotive engineering and a brand new technology, the likes of which you have never seen before. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Chevy PlagueTech!”
There was the roar of an engine as a pale four-door sedan rolled forth from a large entryway behind the gathered Chevy engineers. As it moved forward, we could see it was unlike anything we have ever known. The front grille and fascia had a distinctly aggressive, and some-might-say “medical” look to it––like a large surgical mask stretched across the front of the vehicle. It spewed gruesome, gangrenous exhaust from both its front and rear––though there was no stench about it. Odorless, it hung around us in the air, and we couldn’t help but wish we too had masks.
The Cure that is the Disease
One of the men in coats stepped forward and continued the presentation, “Here at Chevrolet, we like to challenge ourselves with new ideas, often inspired by the events of the world around us. As we watched the news and saw story after story about people ignoring ordered quarantines and going out into the public after being diagnosed with highly infectious diseases, we realized there was an untapped market. If only we could find a way to take advantage of that kind of grotesque selfishness and inability to function as a part of general society.
“Then it hit us, the spark that inspired PlagueTech. What if we could produce a vehicle powered by disease? Powered by the symptoms of illness. That’s what you see before you here today. This is a prototype, of course, a concept vehicle that we have dubbed the ‘Chevy Pox.’ Although only a prototype, I assure you it is fully operational.
“As you can see, the driver inside the vehicle is coughing profusely. Each cough actually drives a series of turbines within the vehicle, providing power to the engine. It has taken a great deal of work, but the Chevy Pox, powered by PlagueTech, is fueled by the reckless desire to take to the streets, despite suffering from a highly contagious pathogen.”
I, and several other reporters in attendance, moved around the vehicle to get a better look inside. Sure enough, it was being driven by a figure nearly hunched over the wheel. He was sweating generously and coughing with nearly every breath, each one strained and wheezing. This hideous creature was the very picture of disease and a vision of the future that no-doubt awaits us all.
“In addition to cough-turbines, the interior is fitted with hundreds of thermosensors that absorb heat produced by the driver’s feverish state. This allows you to further fuel the vehicle––in fact, every symptom we have been able to identify, we have worked into an asset that allows you to power the vehicle. This is the essence of PlagueTech.”
Oh, But There Is More
“Our first experiments with PlagueTech,” the steely-eyed woman spoke again, “were initially unsuccessful. Though the technology allowed a sick individual to power the vehicle, people were resistant to its use. After much soul-searching and several dissections, we realized the problem: virility. People go out when they are ill in order to spread the disease. But being inside a car feels like a form of quarantine; we had to work around that.
“That really opened the doors to the full potential of PlagueTech. We developed several new pieces of technology, including a revolutionary MetaSuck system, which facilitates the full human connection each of us so greatly desires. Air from within the vehicle is sucked out through a powerful vacuum system and then expelled from the vehicle as you drive.”
A murmur arose from those of us in attendance. “Yes, that’s right––the Chevy Pox will cough for you, nearly guaranteeing that those around you will be exposed to whatever illness you have. We use humidifiers and nozzles as well to ensure that the full effect is achieved, producing a vehicular wet cough that many drivers found immediately satisfying. In fact, all of you here now have been exposed to a level of this pathogen on par with having a sick person cough directly into your mouth––so intensely does this vehicle magnify the experience of having a cold, coming down with the flu, or being devoured by flesh-eating bacteria.”
The Future is Bright!
I noticed several of the reporters around me touching the vehicle, admiring its smooth lines, and then rubbing their eyes, scratching at their chins, and even licking their fingertips. Truly, this powerful technology had been embraced by all in attendance.
“We know what you’re thinking,” one of the designers continued, “this is all well and good for now, but what about when a cure is introduced?
Fortunately, as our federal government continues to cut funding to the Centers for Disease Control and the nation’s President issues statements backed by the full power of ignorance, that shouldn’t be a problem. We’ve future-proofed PlagueTech significantly, so as new viruses and diseases are developed—uh, I mean discovered, we’ll be able to quickly incorporate them into our vehicles through simple, over-the-air updates.
“Besides, with so many people refusing to vaccinate their children, we see tremendous potential for growth and additional development for PlagueTech in all sorts of new areas. Many opportunities that would’ve been wasted due to the eradication of illnesses will offer valuable future assets that we’re already working on taking advantage of. And best of all: with these prospective customers, we don’t have to worry about the long-term longevity of our vehicles!”
The Chevy Pox is expected to go into production later this year and will be available in Rash Red, Jaundice Yellow, and Pestilence Green.
Editor’s Note: We have sealed ourselves in the underground emergency bunker that we prepared for this day after watching the film 12 Monkeys. We would suggest that all of you seek the safety of your own subterranean tube-cities until the current crisis has passed. If you should meet the writer of this piece on the street, for your own well-being: Do Not Shake His Hand! Thank you.