Surviving the Coronapocalypse Wasteland

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A salesman with a medical mask is holding keys in front of used cars in Columbus, Ohio.

Columbus, OH – Since February, we watched as the world was torn apart by the deadly and infectious disease known as COVID-19, or simply, the Coronavirus. This virus originated in Wuhan, China, and has spread across the globe. Most recently, it has caused other serious problems in the U.S., including the stock market as the Dow dropped, people are being quarantined in their homes, people are without jobs, and now we have completely run out of toilet paper. But how is this affecting Columbus, Ohio? Well, used car sales are reaching an all-time high as buyers turn to the automotive world for help with the crisis.

It’s not the first time this has happened either in cities such as Columbus, as every year, a new disease comes along, and suddenly residents start shopping for used vehicles. The process works like magic, and this year’s magic is the Coronapocalypse. It’s deadly and serves as a clear threat to people without cars and those who rely solely on public transportation. Even those that just walk around with the shoes on their feet.

In Columbus, residents are prepping for the event of infected coronavirus victims, inevitably swarming their homes as cannibalistic wasteland folk. Coronavirus experts claim you’re going to need a ride that’s both fast and fuel-efficient to escape the hordes of infected and run over your rivals during a supply raid for much-needed resources such as fuel. You’ll also need toilet paper. The CDC suggests stealing it from their hands after you run them over.

Residents of Columbus took notice as soon as the news hit and this resulted in thousands of residents flooding their local used car dealers in a desperate attempt to purchase a cheap vehicle. They plan to constantly improve upon them with spiked tires, and rail cages to both outrun those infected by the virus and run over those infected. Others are adding special compartments for… You guessed it… Toilet paper.

A silver truck is on a white background with the bed loaded with toilet paper.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.” describes local resident Linda G. “The only other time this has really happened was either because of Swine Flu, AIDS, or the Clintons, so come to think of it, it’s actually more common than I thought.” Explained the 85-year-old resident who has survived three apocalypses in Columbus over the course of her life. Luckily for Linda and most other survivors, remaining safe is on the agenda as long as they follow the instructions given by the CDC.

Of course, doctors simply remain baffled by the recent discovery of how to properly avoid the Coronavirus. Scientists and doctors alike have been able to work alongside the CDC and have come to the ultimate conclusion that in order to successfully survive the Coronapocalypse, you will need two things that the virus can’t stand exposure to, these being fast cars and toilet paper. Once you have equipped yourself with these two items, you will be ready to take on the Coronapocalypse one-on-one. Sort of, you will never have enough toilet paper to actually fight this thing.

Local car dealership owner Kieran B. says, “Until we figure out a cure for the Coronavirus, we’ll just have to stop selling new vehicles for the remainder of the Coronapocalypse and focus on our used stock… I’d be lying to you if I told you I wasn’t a little happy with the way business has been going. For now… Though… I guess we’ll just be patiently sitting here and simply wait for the next disease to become #1 trending on twitter!

“Hopefully, that will boost our sales even further, and soon we will own the Wasteland. No idea how long it will take… Maybe next year? Or five years from now… But I want to assure the Columbus area that we’ll be ready with vehicles that will keep you safe from imminent death during the Coronapocalypse. You’ll just have to get your toilet paper elsewhere…”

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