Canada Achieves Automotive Superiority With the Announcement of Socialized Car Maintenance

Canadian flags are shown hanging near a dealer that has a used Nissan Qashqai for sale.

Good afternoon all; I’m Chris the Cannuck. Here in Canada, we’ve always taken great pride in separating ourselves from our foul-mouthed, annoying neighbours to the south. To be honest, it’s very easy to see why. The Americans are a people who deserve sympathy for their complete lack of intelligence and inability to grasp basic concepts. Why, just the other day, I test-drove a used Nissan Qashqai for sale. The salesperson was friendly and told me that the Americans have a different name for the vehicle. They call it the “Rogue Sport.” This certainly proves their lack of intelligence in that they have to rename something simply because they have difficulty spelling it. This is just one item in a long list of reasons why Americans deserve pity.

When the rest of the world changed over to the Metric system in an attempt to establish a universal language, the Americans had other ideas. Once again, at the fear of learning something that has nothing to do with bacon or baseball, the Americans chose to be difficult and retain the outdated and convoluted Imperial system. I don’t mean to say that Canadians are better; we just have better hockey, better education, and socialized medicine that takes care of people instead of making them broke by having to pay out of pocket for insurance.

In the latest installment in the never-ending saga of things we’re better than Americans at accomplishing, our automotive industry just took a major step forward. And it’s something to be very excited about. The House of Commons convened last week to announce the passing of new legislation, one which is a testament to the never-ending splendour and grandeur of both the Commonwealth of Canada and the people who inhabit our borders. Effective immediately, all automobile service and maintenance have been universally socialized to once again prove to Americans that capitalism is dumb.

The reaction regarding this legislation has been swift, and although the Americans will most likely complain that their government isn’t doing enough for them, they should consider themselves at fault. The recent coronation of King Charles III was celebrated to great delight. You see, if the Americans had never had that whiny temper tantrum known as “the American Revolution,” they would still be a part of the Commonwealth and entitled to all the benefits that come with it.

Of course, this brings up the potential for Americans to attempt to circumnavigate their expensive repair bills by having their cars registered up north or obtaining fake identification papers to have them repaired by shops that offer socialized car maintenance. Personally, I don’t think it’s an issue worth worrying ourselves over. Americans are easy to spot. They couldn’t tell the difference between a kilometre and a mile of their life depended on it. They also have terminology that’s less than civilized. For instance, they use the term “garage” instead of “parkade.”

Whatever might occur, and regardless of what Americans might try, it’s a warm and wonderful day to be Canadian. Once again, we’ve proven that by paying higher taxes, we can take care of our population instead of bleeding them dry. This is a major leap forward for the automotive industry, and, like so many other things, it won’t take long for the rest of the civilized world to adhere to these new standards. As far as I’m concerned, the Americans can keep their precious Stanley Cup and coffee far inferior to Tim Horton’s. We’re not the ones who have to pay money to have our oil changed.


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