Musk Announces Exciting New Tesla Features

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Elon Musk is in the headlines every goddamn day, and I blame all of you for it. But since that’s what you – my dear readers – seem to want, that’s what you’re going to get. These days he’s been making waves with his spectacular leadership as he steers his newly-acquired Twitter into new realms of untold fortune and success, but he hasn’t forgotten about his bread and butter: Tesla. Musk recently announced some exciting new features coming soon to his beloved auto brand; while they were overlooked by many other news outlets, I noticed them, and I’m here to report these details to you. Aren’t you lucky?

New Door Number Pads

Teslas are marked by a sleek, minimalist design that has eschewed clumsy things like key locks on the doors. It looks like this is about to change, however, as Musk recently held a press conference to announce that some models would start shipping with a number pad on the doors. In order to unlock the door from the outside, you’ll need to key in a code – improperly entering the code will let you try again, and three improper entries will lock the doors permanently.

While making this announcement, Musk also added one baffling detail: every model will ship with the same default unlock code. Even more astounding, Musk followed this up by revealing the default code on all upcoming Tesla models: “80085.” He then proceeded to giggle furiously and high-five several Tesla executives, who patted him on the shoulder, chuckled non-convincingly, and silently mouthed, “I’m sorry,” while shrugging at the gathered members of the press. Looks like Hyundai and Kia will have some competition for teens stealing them to make social media posts!

Exciting New Models

If there’s one thing I’ll say about Musk, it’s that he doesn’t shy away from announcing new models for the Tesla lineup, whether they’re ready to be announced or not. Sure, we’re still all waiting for the Cybertruck and for any hint that the Roadster will actually return one day, but that hasn’t stopped him from announcing several new models. In a series of tweets, the megalomaniacal CEO revealed three new vehicles in the works. He stated:

“Big news from Tesla. New models coming for 202–something. It will include Tesla Model P, Model N, and Model 15. More to come.”

About an hour later, he followed this up with another tweet:

“Get it? Tesla Models P, N, and 15? We already have the Model 3. Check out the Tesla P, 3, N, 15!”

Several people, including numerous members of the media, responded by asking whether this was a joke or if Tesla was actually developing three new models. All those who questioned the tweet have since been banned from Twitter.

Limited Edition Details

“In an effort to expand market presence and maintain unlimited, exponential growth,” reads a statement released by Tesla – and attributed to Musk, “we are proud to announce a series of new, limited edition options and accessories for our lineup of Tesla models.” The announcement then continued to provide information about what would be available, including:

  • Special Decepticon Edition “truck nutz” for the Tesla Cybertruck
  • Limited “Cool S” graphics for all Tesla models, including interior badging
  • Unlockable Tesla skins in Fortnite, Rocket League, and other video games popular among “youths”
  • New NFT exterior colors (no information was provided on what, exactly, this means)

More was announced, but at a certain point, it simply became a series of marketing catchphrases and popular trends. One exclusive feature was simply labeled “Current Social Media Thing to Get Attention,” with no other information to explain what that was. There’s also talk about Tesla owners being able to get the Verified Blue Checkmark on Twitter with exclusive Twitter-related accessories coming for the Tesla lineup, but no details were provided. That’s something to look forward to, at least.

Editor’s Note: We’ve confirmed all of these upcoming announcements with our contacts inside Tesla. Since Tesla doesn’t have a PR department, however, that means we sent a text to our buddy Jim, who works as a night janitor in one of the Tesla factories. But he totally confirmed all of this stuff, so it seems legit. Thank you.

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