Peterborough NH – When we say the words ‘Automotive SEO’ what comes to mind? For many of you, the answer will inevitably be ‘not much’, considering the scarce likelihood that you have any understanding of what we’re actually talking about. But for the others (ones who consider themselves automotive-savvy, mechanically-inclined or proficient in search engine optimization) the answer is easy, prompting them to look down on the rest of you list the elitist sons-a-bitches that they are. Well, except for one man, tasked with writing an article to convey the appeal of the 2019 Chevy Traverse.
Meet Jason Cook, a proficient writer of automotive think-pieces, model write-ups, comparison articles and even humorous satire. As unconventionally handsome as he is clever, Mr. Cook is employed by a New Hampshire based SEO company. And today, he sits by his window, watching a stray dog shit in the leaves, struggling to stitch together any combination of words to up-sell (what is effectively) an uninspired shit-box of a crossover.
And while you might think this uninspired shell-of-a-man is lacking in his professional competence, his Content Manager spent seventeen minutes earlier in the day, staring at the topic and wondering how the hell Cook was going to pull off an interesting article.
But ‘interesting’ isn’t the problem. If it was, Cook would simply customize a Traverse with an airbrushed mural of rollicking Lady-Centaurs (complete with Chevy emblem vagina-plates) then drive the crossover off a ramp-truck, into a pile of ‘Pyro-Viagra” brand fireworks while “Tubthumping” from ChumbaWumba inundates the crowd.
You see, the problem isn’t a matter of making the Chevy Traverse interesting (at least not to Chevy loyalists or crossover enthusiasts). The problem is that Cook can’t write the piece without feeling compelled to spice it up for everyone else. And by ‘everyone else” we mean the people who would much rather look at airbrushed Lady-Centaurs with Chevy emblem vagina plates.
And therein lies the problem…he keeps on talking about airbrushed Lady-Centaurs with Chevy emblem vagina plates. According to the executive management team, he seems insistent that there is nothing interesting to write about the Traverse and (even worse) they have to agree.
Sure, JD Power and Associates voted it their “Most Dependable Midsize SUV” for 2018. And, of course, the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration gave it a 5-Star Overall Vehicle Safety Score. And yes, Parents and Edmunds named it among their 10 Best Family Cars. But once you get past that, what else is there to say?
Wondering if Cook was onto something, we spoke to the editor of “Airbrushed Passenger Vehicle Monthly” a periodical whose circulation numbers have ranked in the dozens since 1971. His thoughts on how to improve the Traverse?
“Maybe if Chevy offered an enhancement package where, I don’t know, they airbrushed a Lady Centaur on the side panels? Maybe one with a vagina plate that looks like a Chevy emblem?”
Suffice it to say, Jason Cook might have been on to something. Unfortunately, co-workers have shared that he was fired, his employment terminated due to the “controversial nature of his recommendations”.
Jason Cook…like Nikola Tesla or Christine de Pizan, you sir, were ahead of your times.
