Bethesda, MD – Businesses of today are all-too-conscious of the risks associated with a lack of security. From banks to convenience stores, shopping malls to car dealerships, the challenges are ultimately the same. Owners and management must be diligent in all aspects of their operations, often relying on technology as their most trusted ally. But if technology such as closed-circuit cameras and anti-theft mechanisms are the best precaution, then what poses the biggest threat in terms of employee safety and loss prevention? If you ask the management team at Bethesda Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram the answer is almost unanimous: crack-smoking cowboys responding to ads for Custom Jeep Wrangler.

It was a warm, humid day at the Bethesda MD dealership when customers and staff alike were startled by what sounded like gunfire. We spoke to General Manager Anass Rhammar, for a first-person recount of that afternoon’s shocking events.

“There were loud noises everywhere. Whether you were inside or outside, they seemed to echo off of cars and walls and every surface. It was hard to tell where it was coming from, or what it was. We weren’t sure if we were being held up, or maybe it was terrorists!”

It was neither.

“I looked outside, and that’s when I realized what was happening. To my surprise, and to the surprise of everyone at the dealership, it was a cowboy shooting off an ‘old-timey’ revolver.”

But not just any cowboy shooting off an ‘old-timey’ revolver.

According to eyewitnesses, a man who would later be identified as Darryl ‘Lil Nasty’ Terrell, 34, of Bethesda MD was seen running through the dealership lot dressed in, what appeared to be, a comical Cowboy Halloween costume.

Recapping the account she had given the police, eyewitness (and proud owner of a new Jeep Renegade) Deena Colada said, “You know those oversized cowboy hats, made out of foam? Well, he had one of those and it must have been about 3 feet high. It looked like he had fashioned chaps out of pieces of cardboard boxes, and he had a neckerchief made out of soiled tighty-whiteys.”

Confirming Miss Colada’s description, Mr. Rhammar added, “When we noticed his crazy clothing, our first reaction was of concern. Was he insane? Was he a real outlaw? Only a closer look would reveal that the guns were only children cap guns. “

It was at this point that Mr. Terrell pulled out a makeshift lasso, and attempted to ‘capture’ various Jeeps around on the lot. Eyewitness accounts seem to verify that countless vehicles belonging to both the dealership and customers would fall victim to his reckless lasso. Renegades. Patriots. Wranglers. Cherokees. Grand Cherokees.

Wait, back up…Wranglers?

“He was yelling out things like ‘Yee Hah’ and ‘Hoo Doggie’,” shared sales associate, Dwayne “The Jock” Ronson. “It looked like he was trying to wrangle the Jeeps, the way that cowboys wrangle cattle. After a while, it became pretty clear that he was high on crack. I mean, not that I know what it’s like to be high on crack. So, I guess it was more of an assumption because I have never smoked crack. Seriously, do you even smoke crack? I don’t know. Ask anyone. Well, except for Dave Burns. He’s a liar.”

Police would arrive promptly to subdue the comical cowboy, and an onsite test would prove that Mr. Terrell was in fact, high on crack.

“Boom,” said Ronson, as he mimed dropping the mic.

Mr. Terrell would be arrested on a 3510 and suspicion of 5150 WIC, implying that he his disorderly behavior was due to illegal drug use, and potential mental illness.

Lt. Detective Saul Tenpepper was one of the responding officers. “Upon arrival, we were able to subdue Mr. Terrell, who we are familiar with through previous interaction. Due to his history of drug use, we were confident that was high on crack. What we couldn’t have anticipated was that his cardboard chaps were in fact, assless and that he was wearing no pants. Once he was placed in protective custody, we were able to assure the dealership  employees and customers of their safety and shift our focus to Mr. Terrell and his motivation for the disturbance.”

His response? “Mmmmmmmm…Crack! NomNomNomNomNomNomNommmmm!” The latter part of the response was accompanied by Mr. Terrell attempting to eat his own knuckles.

After a few hours in protective custody, Mr. Terrell had sobered to the point that he was more responsive to police questioning. The following is an excerpt from his recorded statement, “Yeah, I’s high on crack. Just ask Dave Burns, that dude ain’t never lies. But it ain’t my fault I was there. No No No. Why don’t you talk to the dealership, why I was there? They was the ones who put up that ad!”

Questioning him further, the police would learn that (drug use aside) Mr. Terrell believed that he was answering a job posting for a ‘Custom Jeep Wrangler’.

“That wasn’t a job posting,” confirmed Mr. Rhammar. “We were simply advertising ‘Custom Jeep Wrangler” inventory on our lot.”

“Would’ve been nice to know THAT, “ replied Mr. Terrell. “ Maybe then, I could’ve kept my draws on, instead-a wrappin’ ‘em around my neck! You know what they say! Dress for the job you want, not the job you have! Well, I was just trying to look like someone who wrangled Jeeps for a livin’!”

Needless to say, it became very clear that the entire incident was the result of confusion inside of Mr. Terrell’s drug-addled mind. But what came next caught everyone by surprise.

“We’re an equal opportunity employer,” said Mr. Rhammar. “And Mr. Terrell showed real initiative in creating his ‘Custom Jeep Wrangler’ alter-ego. Since no publicity is bad publicity, we are proud to share that Mr. Terrell has joined us as our full-time mascot. So come on down to Bethesda Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram, and let Sheriff L’il Nasty wrangle the perfect custom Jeep for YOU!”

(Mr. Terrell could not be reached for further comment, as he may or may not have been smoking crack in the break room with Mr. Ronson. Reports differ depending on how credible you believe Dave Burns to be…)


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