2018 Ford Escape vs. 2018 Mazda CX-5

Since we were first introduced to Woody the Cowboy and Buzz Lightyear in 1995’s ‘Toy Story,’ Disney-Pixar has been captivating audiences young and old.

In 2006, Disney-Pixar audiences were introduced to the world of ‘Cars,’ and immediately found a new hero in the form of rookie race car Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson) and his world of anthropomorphic automobile comrades. The film was so successful that it spawned a television series in 2008, a spy-thriller sequel in 2011, a spin-off franchise called ‘Planes’ in 2013 and (most recently) Cars 3 which thrilled 2017 audiences. For over a decade, ‘Cars’ could do no wrong.


That is until now…and kids are friggin’ pissed.

It was recently decided by Disney-Pixar executives that a fourth (and final installment) of the franchise would receive a 2020 release and that it would feature a character created by one lucky fan. The immediate positivity of the response was overwhelming, as it empowered young creators to contribute to something truly iconic, backed by the largest entertainment company in the world.

8-year old Sebastian DeCrabb was one of these aspiring contributors. “We’re a Disney-obsessed family,” explains his mother, Lisa. “When my husband and I first decided to have children, we immediately decided to name our first son Sebastian. Not only was it a tribute to our favorite character from our favorite movie ‘The Little Mermaid’ – but our last name added some humor, as well.”

According to Mrs. DeCrabb, “Sebastian has been drawing Disney characters as long as he could hold a pencil. Not only would he draw existing characters, but he would create new ones to fit into a particular story’s world. The idea that Disney would provide such an opportunity to our son, and others like him, is just amazing.”

To compete, Disney required aspiring artists to pre-register online, after which they would receive the competition rules. Within the first 4 hours, pre-registers numbered in the thousands. But that’s when the bottom dropped out…

Upon receipt of the rules, thousands of exciting children learned the disappointing news that their character would have to be based on one of two vehicles: a 2018 Ford Escape vs. 2018 Mazda CX-5.

“Are you (expletive deleted) kidding me?” said Mrs. DeCrabb recounting the moment when they learned of this requirement. “Those were Sebastian’s EXACT words…and we’re not a swearing household, but Cheezus Crust! There was my 8-year old baby dropping F-bombs left and right because (one) he couldn’t choose what kind of car his character would be, and (two) he only had two shitty options to choose from!”

Apparently, the DeCrabb household wasn’t alone in their dismay. Disney received a backlash equal in intensity to the inrush of the registrations which caused it. In a prepared statement The Walt Disney Company’s Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Communications Officer, Zenia Mucha, assured contestants that “Disney-Pixar and the creative team behind Cars 4 are committed to creating a fully-realized universe that will be appealing to all audiences. In the spirit of today’s demand for fair representation, we must include all kinds of vehicles, even crossover SUVs.”

Mrs. DeCrabb’s concerns seem indicative of the complaints, in general. “No child has ever dreamed of designing a crossover. I mean, what kind of personality do you give it. Even when Sebastian tried, all he could come up with was a chronically-depressed middle-aged soccer mom.


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