It’s like my gramps used to say, “You know what the problem with young people is? Well, besides everything? They’re always trying to save a world that doesn’t want to be saved.” My grandfather might have been a salty son-of-a-bitch (with questionable views on the NBA, Hassidic Jews, and women in medicine) but his words ring true of youthful optimism.

When we’re young, we’re always trying to enact positive change, as if we can influence the eventual fate of the world. A great example of this is the growing prevalence of eco-friendly hybrid and EV (electric vehicle) offerings from today’s automakers. But whether you’re buying new, used or Certified Pre-Owned Chevy might be walking unsuspecting young drivers to their doom. Of course, we’re talking about the Chevy Bolt EV (or as we call it ‘the last vehicle that you were seen it’ according to some police report).

Sure the Bolt EV looks good on paper, with its EPA-Estimated 238 mile range you’re bound to do your part to save the world. But many Chevy Bolt owners are finding themselves in the midst of what is being called an EV nightmare. With an estimated that 30,000 Bolt EVs currently in use within the continental United States, General Motors and Chevrolet have released a statement indicating that a “small percentage” (i.e. 10%) of 2017 models are experiencing systemic battery failure that “may cause a loss of propulsion.” Even worse, the issue seems to be coupled with a near-absence of notifications regarding the depletion of charge.

Call us crazy, but here at The Lemon, we would consider a possible “loss of propulsion” to be an extremely unsatisfactory development in the operation of any motorized vehicle. Lack of notification only serves to amplify the complaint. I mean, a car that can’t move itself was fine for The Flintstones, but it doesn’t quite meet the expectations of 2018 drivers. Maybe that’s why GM has initiated a “customer satisfaction campaign” (i.e., a notification of the issue, as opposed to a formal recall, with the offer of recalibration). That said, the ‘recalibration’ offered will only update the warning system to allow the driver greater mileage to reach safety before the charge fully depletes itself.

But what steps are being taken to repair the batteries themselves, to improve vehicle change so that the Bolt EV meets the original expectations of those sustainability-minded individuals who bought them? And by ‘original expectations’ we mean ‘NOT being run over on the highway, left to die on some random highway, rural background or #shadyAF neighborhood.’


Simply put: Nothing. But why not?

According to conspiracy theorists, the failure to offer a solution might be part of General Motors’ secret involvement in population control; specifically the intention to excise a segment of the youth population through commercial Darwinism.

Is Chevy partnering with the likes of Tide (creator of TidePods), the latex condom industry and social media platforms to create the next phase of self-deprecating trending? Will teenagers and young adults soon be live-streaming or posting videos of themselves trapped inside of a slowly dying Bolt EV? Will we see them get run over by faster vehicles that are unable to stop on the highway? Maybe we’ll witness them assaulted by gangs, or kidnapped by hillbillies? If we’re really lucky, they might pull a “Thelma & Louise” and drive straight off a cliff!

Just think of how many “Likes” and “Follows” they’ll get!

Then again, they’ll probably just stick to licking batteries.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here