2018 Chevrolet Corvette

Trapped within our 24/7 world of constant connectivity, an individual’s uninterrupted accessibility leaves them exposed to an unending string of texts, social media posts and direct messaging (among countless other app-based communication). Arguably, there is no demographic that understands this better than females who find themselves subjected to the unwelcome advances of tactless men. And of these relentless attacks, none are more unwelcome than the unsolicited ‘dick pic.’

That’s right, just imagine looking down at your phone to find a new message notification and opening it up to find an (inevitably) unflattering photo of some dude’s one-eyed monster staring back at you. Maybe you’re at work, or surrounded by family, or in church; it doesn’t matter where you are, the simple truth is that you didn’t request the picture. Is this really how men approach women in today’s culture, by sending them a photo of their member? What happened to flowers, damn it? Where’s the romance in a wang?

A casual reader, fortunate enough to live without having experienced this phenomena for themselves, might be shocked to find out just how often it occurs. Unfortunately, it happens all the time (and without warning) proving just how detached and insecure today’s single men must be. Talk about overcompensating…

Enter the 2018 Chevrolet Corvette

In the face of this societal dong madness, General Motors and Chevrolet have stepped up to make their voices heard and to mark their proverbial territory. Last week, a press conference was held where Mark Reuss, GM’s Executive Vice President of Global Product Development, Purchasing and Supply Chain spoke on behalf of the automaker.

“Dick pics. Am I right, ladies?”

As a sudden chilly silence filled the air, Mr. Reuss was relieved of the podium, replaced by GM’s Chairman and CEO, Mary Barra.

“Thanks, Mark. As my colleague was going to say, the epidemic of men sending women pictures of their Johnsons needs to end. Not only is it inappropriate and unwelcome, but such aggressive and pathetic male overcompensation has been the exclusive property of the Corvette brand since it was introduced in 1953. Corvette’s legacy is built upon the philosophical foundation that you don’t need to be well-endowed, handsome, intelligent, charming or possess any redeeming qualities…as long as you can afford a Corvette.”

“Not only is the Corvette a more iconic means of overcompensating for one’s own inadequacies (than dick pics are) but it’s highly more effective. By no means am I implying that women, in part or in whole, are more attracted to financially-viable men, but let’s be honest here. Do you expect any woman to be more impressed by (a) a Corvette, or (b) a grainy photo taken from your pay-as-you-go cellular plan?”

“Unsolicited dick pics need to stop. As women, we will not tolerate them. I mean, if we ask you for them, that’s fine. But otherwise, understand that no angle, lighting or filter is going to leave us very impressed. It’s a penis. It’s awkward-looking, temperamental and much smaller than you think it is. Perhaps, if you take the energy you’ve put into man-scaling and photoshopping and redirect it to schooling or your profession, you can find a better way of impressing random women. Like a Corvette…”


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