Current auto news out of Fiat-Chrysler shows that the automaker has initiated a recall of 2017 Dodge Challenger Hellcat and Charger Hellcat models, as a result of a potential oil leak that could put the vehicles, and their passengers, at significant risk.
Critics have been quick to point out that FCA’s depiction of the issue as a ‘potential oil leak’ diminishes the seriousness of the risk. Apparently, the issue stems from the engine oil cooler hoses themselves which, upon failure, could result in a significant loss of engine oil.
FCA executives were quick to clarify that none of the company’s other offerings make use of the engine oil cooler hoses in question. With the issue limited to just over 1,200 vehicles built in the 2017 model year, we at The Lemon dug deeper…and what we found might shock you.
A Different Kind of ‘Leak”
Unnamed sources with Fiat-Chrysler have provided The Lemon with explosive evidence confirming that the so-called ‘oil leak’ is neither accidental or unanticipated. But what possible motivation could Fiat-Chrysler have for a vehicle afflicted with the likelihood of oil loss?
Taking a break from our exhaustive research, we decided to unwind. Enjoying a relaxed viewing of the James Bond classic ‘Goldfinger’ it was approximately twenty-two minutes into the film when we realized that the truth was staring us dead in the eyes.
Fiat-Chrysler is clearly developing oil-slick defenses, in order to build the greatest spy car of all time.
The Writing Was on The Wall
In all fairness, we should have been expecting this for years. The first clue? Prior to 2006, the primary vehicle choice of law enforcement was, almost unanimously, the Ford Crown Victoria.
Suddenly the Dodge Charger Pursuit is released, becoming the go-to vehicle for countless local, state and federal departments and agencies. The message was loud and clear:
‘Watch out criminals! We no longer drive the same car as your Great-Aunt Karen.’
So bold was the transition that many agencies were looking to downgrade their badassery, by opting for the V6 over the optional V8. Sure, the ‘official explanation’ given was the V6 was a more economical choice, especially for urban patrol vehicles, but we know the truth. This was a conscious decision, made for public safety. If criminals everywhere knew they stood no chance against the law, they might just drop dead without warning, falling into fear-scented puddles of urine. And nobody wants that…Hence the more conservative V6. This is probably another reason why Fiat-Chrysler hasn’t produced a 707-horsepower Charger Pursuit Hellcat.
Unless, of course, they have…but we just don’t know about it.
Connecting the Dots
In hindsight, Fiat-Chrysler’s empowering of law enforcement agencies seems like an obvious clue. The last eleven years have clearly been a trial run; a road-test to ensure that such vehicles would perform as needed in the most critical and delicate of situations.
Even more deserving of a mass face-palm is the realization that we’ve all been part of some sort of focus group. We’ve been conditioned to revere these vehicles, from the ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ General Lee to Dom Toretto’s 900 horsepower 1970 Charger from ‘The Fast & The Furious’.
Yeah, that’s right. Were we actually expected to suspend disbelief enough to accept that a bunch of street racers would be recruited as international espionage agents? No way. This was clearly the government’s clever way of getting our attention with a badass car, and getting us all to subliminally side with the good guys.
The Groundwork
So, Fiat-Chrysler is successful in their trailing of the oil slick, without anyone catching on? The same could have said about a GPS dashboard and bulletproof body panels, both of which were also featured in James Bond: Goldfinger.
In fact, if we were to dig through the James Bond film library, I’m sure we could find countless examples of quote-unquote “fictional technologies” that had inspired real-world automotive advances.
Few people remember the ‘Ford Aerostar Incident of 1987’ where Valentin Brezchnekov, a father-of-three from Bethesda MD was expelled from the vehicle by, what appeared to be the equivalent of an ejector seat. Ford was quick to assure their customers that there was no reason for alarm, but how could they be so sure?
It goes without saying that the vehicle was designed to assassinate Brezchnekov, who was clearly a Russian informant infiltrating the U.S. as some part of Cold War initiative. Go ahead, try and prove us wrong.
First, there’s no proof that Valentin Brezchnekov ever existed. Second, there’s no public record of such an incident involving a Ford Aerostar. Go ahead, call us a liar. Say it never happened. We won’t believe you. Your dreams of documentation are crap.
So, What’s Next?
First, and most importantly, Fiat-Chrysler will see through the recall of the Chargers and Challengers owned by the general population. They’ll announce improvements made to ‘prevent such issues from recurring’ and drivers will go on about their lives, happily driving their badass vehicles of choice and forgetting that it even occurred.
But somewhere…probably in the deserts of Nevada (closed off from public airspace), a vehicle is being designed. A sleek and stealthy vehicle designed to infiltrate, extract and eliminate. Our guess is that it will come in the form of the 840 horsepower 2018 Challenger SRT Demon.
Some might wonder why American agencies, inspired by James Bond movies, wouldn’t opt for a more subtle, upscale luxury performance sedan. The answer is simple: American left its vagina behind at the Boston Tea Party.
International Conflict is Everywhere
Think of this the next you’re going down the highway, passive-aggressively making your way through your morning commute, going to a job you hate. Suddenly, a Dodge Challenger speeds past you, jumping lanes.
Sure, they might be a middle-aged man hopped up on horsepower and ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC. But then again, they might be pursuing terrorists, saving your life and the lives of every other American on the road that day.
Be glad they have a functional oil slick.
