There are many ways to find long-forgotten treasures in this world: some prefer diving into the lightless depths of the ocean to search for and plunder sunken vessels from the distant past. Others instead circle around rented storage units that have been abandoned or seized from owners unable to pay for them, picking at the carcasses of other people’s misfortune like bilious vultures. Those who I respect, however, go about their search for treasure another way: they buy used cars from local sellers and hope to find some forgotten booty under the seats or in the deep recesses and caverns of the trunk or cargo area.
If you’re interested in such riches, you need to look no further than postings for a used Chevy near you or any similar make and model. I’d advise you to skip dealerships; however, they know about these rich deposits of fortune all too well, and they scavenge from their vehicles with ruthless efficiency. You’re better off sticking to private sellers and hot singles in your area to find vehicles and hope that you discover something nearly as good as what my friends and I have found in our quest for untold riches…
Treasure #1 – A Sack of Golden Coins
Few items could be more wondrous or deserving of acclaim than a sack full of golden coins, yet that is exactly what my friend Scotty discovered in a 2007 Toyota Prius. They were wedged under the rear seats, likely forgotten by some poor fool who realized only too late what he had left behind. Their quality was impeccable, and once we peeled away their precious, gilded exterior, the chocolate within was exceptionally waxy.
Treasure #2 – A Mint Condition Shoe
Any true collector of treasures knows that the most important thing is not what you find but the quality and condition of it. An ancient Viking sword is pointless if it’s falling apart and you can’t swing it around menacingly or chase your friends around with it. That’s why we were so excited when my cousin Walter discovered a shoe in excellent condition in the trunk of a 1982 Chevy Malibu. Even more remarkable was just how well-preserved the foot within the shoe was; it seemed like it had just been separated from its previous owner that very day. Truly a delight!
Treasure #3 – Two Full Heads of Broccoli
I’m known to be a man of tremendous appetite. My good friend Polly once called me excitedly to tell me that she had acquired a classic 1992 Ford F-150 and, under the front passenger seat, discovered something remarkable: two full heads of broccoli. They were in fine condition once we wiped away the dust and extensive growth, and made for an excellent soup. I’m not saying ancient broccoli is a miracle cure-all, but I haven’t had a cold since then.
Treasure #4 – Actual Treasure
My friend Ricardo once found a large chest filled with precious gems, intricately-cut jewels, and seemingly countless golden rings in the compartment that should’ve housed the spare tire of a 2018 Buick Encore. Honestly, I wasn’t all that interested, and I only included it here because a list of just four things seemed rather lackluster.
Treasure #5 – An Unopened Cassette Tape of the Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey Soundtrack
On a personal note, while I’ve not been quite as fortunate as some of my associates and colleagues, I did make one remarkable discovery worthy of note. Some years ago, I purchased a heavy pre-owned 1996 Ford Taurus and, within the glove compartment, found what would become one of my most prized possessions. There, gleaming at me with all the splendid beauty of a woman willing to give me attention, was a pristine and sealed copy of the Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey soundtrack on audio cassette. I have not opened it, of course, but every time I look at it within its deluxe, bullet-proof case upon my mantle, I cannot help but remember the word that has guided me with wisdom and truth throughout all of my life: Station!
Editor’s Note: We have raised questions with the writer regarding whether any of this truly qualifies as “treasure.” His response was far too vulgar to be included here, but we have retracted our objections, and we must admit that #5 does sound pretty sweet. Be excellent to each other. Thank you.
