Thanks to the continuing high value provided by used GM products available at local used car dealers, those who find themselves outdone by the owners of these vehicles are pushing the very limits of Excuseology.
Excuseology, or the science of coming up with and stating excuses, has long been an important field of study for those going up against GM products in terms of value, especially those of the Chevrolet marque.
“We’ve really been forced to up our game,” says Malcolm Fuso, chairman of the Sean Spicer Institute for Excuses. “It is relatively normal for a Camaro to outrun some base model BMW, but now Chevys are embarrassing exotics in ways none of us thought possible. That said, thanks to the new funding, our new research is very promising.”
That boost in the Institute’s funding has largely come from affluent donors who have suddenly found themselves on the receiving end of a harsh reality check after prices of some of the best GM used cars came down even further. Chevrolet and Cadillac are especially seeing a decrease.
“I don’t know how I would justify my purchase without the Institute’s help,” says recent exotic car purchaser Marty Gibbs. “I just spent 200 grand on a bespoke Aston Martin and on the first cruise practically got my doors blown off by a decade-old Chevy that was as stock as it left the factory. Without the new Excuseology research, I would’ve been even more of a laughing stock.”
The Institute’s new Excuseology research posits that deflecting harsh comparisons is best done by obliquely referring to cars from two vastly different price points as equals in value and saying the non-GM vehicle was not focused on that particular aspect. Examples of this new kind of excuse showcase how potentially effective it can be.
For example, when someone points out that a C6 Corvette is far faster and more agile than a brand new Aston Martin Vanquish, the Institute suggests that one point out how nice the upholstery is on the British GT car. For some people, this is enough to convince them that the Corvette is not a dramatically superior performance car value, despite being just over a tenth the purchase price of the new handbuilt exotic.
When things are even worse, specifically when the non-GM exotic vehicle suffers from reliability problems in addition to being inferior in important aspects, the Institute recommends the Excusist begin to wax poetic about the wonderful driving experience their European exotica provides. They caution that the Excusist should not mention that they never actually get to drive their vehicle because it spends more time on a lift in the dealer service center than on the ground in their garage. This line of excuse has been especially effective when comparisons between the Cadillac Escalade and Alfa Romeo Stelvio are drawn.
The Sean Spicer Institute for Excuses continues to be at the forefront of excuse development. That said, it appears that Chevy and Cadillac owners themselves remain immune to these excuses, likely due to direct inoculation via ownership of a bargain of a vehicle.