GM Unveils New Cruise Technologies

A list of GM New Cruise technology are shown on an orange background.

Dear readers, I have personally charged myself with the undertaking of a great and sacred task: ensuring that you are always up-to-date on the latest technological innovations within the auto industry. This might seem like a rather small ordeal, but with so much happening so quickly, it requires a keen mind and sharp senses to stay abreast of it all. Never fear, my fans and friends; as long as you stick with me, you’ll always know what’s going on in the industry.

Just recently, GM revealed a number of impressive technologies that are going to build upon the Super Cruise semi-autonomous driving system they first introduced several years ago. Once complete, the various –Cruise technologies will represent the pinnacle of automotive tech and revolutionize the way we drive forever. I can sincerely say, without irony or exaggeration, that this suite of options is the single-most-important thing to ever happen to humanity, across tens of thousands of years of known history.

Super Cruise

The tech that started it all, Super Cruise first kicked off in 2017 and was initially available only on Cadillac models. With Super Cruise tech, you can enjoy hands-free driving on approved roads, including the ability to change lanes on demand. Just recently, GM updated their Super Cruise tech to also include automatic lane changing and improved overall functionality.

Ultra Cruise

This is the next step in GM’s developments, offering enhanced hands-free driving options on more than 2 million miles of roads in the US and Canada. Eventually, this tech will function on essentially every paved road in the country, offering full door-to-door hands-free driving. It includes not only automatic and on-demand lane changes, but it can follow speed limits, recognize traffic control devices, and make left and right-hand turns. Honestly, it’s an impressive next step that will ensure much greater versatility, but they’re far from finished…

Hyper Cruise

Although they haven’t said too much about it just yet, the next development that GM is already working on is their innovative Hyper Cruise system. Once activated, this system will analyze your driving habits and the navigation information you’ve entered. Based on this analysis, it will decide where you should go each day and drive you there automatically, offering not only hands-free driving but decision-free driving too. Will you go to work today, or will your car take you to a remote location and abandon you there? Push the Start button and find out!

Giga Cruise

Only very rudimentary work has started on this powerful new technology, so GM isn’t saying much about how it functions exactly. From what I’ve heard, it will use real-time learning and quantum computing to predict where you want to go and then go there. You won’t have to input any navigational information – in fact, according to one source I talked to, it will go where you want to go before you even get into the vehicle. With Giga Cruise tech, your vehicle will finally be free of your demands and can enjoy the open road for itself.

Ted Cruise

And finally, recently leaked internal memos from within GM indicate that they’re hard at work on a new, secret technology called “Ted Cruise.” According to my sources, this will allow drivers to utilize carpool and high-occupancy vehicle lanes by creating a pale, gelatinous, human-like figure in the front passenger seat. This unholy homunculus has been described as “somewhat like a man, but demonstrating the intelligence, immorality, and globular features of a blobfish.”

The good news is that you’ll be able to get where you’re going faster without having to ride with another person. The bad news is that most people who have set eyes upon the creature generated by this technology have experienced bouts of nausea, depression, spontaneous screaming, and an overall desire to flee their homes and never look back. If my experience with other drivers on the road is any indication, however, slight madness and having to spend time with an undulating humanoid mass of corruption and indecency is a small price to pay for getting to your destination two minutes sooner.


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