GMC Canyon Challenges Honda Ridgeline for “Last to Be Picked in Gym Class”

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Children fighting in front of gym teacher with 2019 GMC Canyon and Honda Ridgeline in back

Bethesda, MD – Do you own a 2019 GMC Canyon? Chevy Suburban? Expedition? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, love the ample passenger and cargo space, and have zero shame, you might be exactly what the Bethesda Motors Group is looking for.

A local high school has partnered with the family of car dealerships to create what they are calling “a nostalgic family-friendly event evocative of the field days of our youth”. Expected to draw participants and spectators in the thousands, BETHESDA MOTORS FIELD DAY has become one of the most widely anticipated events of the autumn. For the benefit of those who received their education outside of the United States (as well as the introverted products of home-schooling) “field day” is an annual event held by many elementary, middle schools, and junior highs across the nation. Often an outdoor event, it allows the students to engage in a series of physical challenges, allowing for friendly, sportsmanlike competition between people of various levels of athleticism, but without the intense pressures of traditional competitive sports.

In the case of BMFD competitive events will include such iconic Field Day mainstays as the ‘Balloon Pop Relay Race’, ‘Tug of War’, ‘Pool Noodle Baseball’, ‘Sack Race’, and ‘Egg Toss’. However, the event will also include new favorites such as ‘Tow-by-Toe’ and (as alluded to above) the ‘SUV Stuff’.

While the former sounds like a morbid act of self-imposed bodily disfigurement (we’ll have to confirm what it actually entails) the latter consists of a competition to see how many people can be stuffed into an SUV, with its windows rolled up, while still allowing for the doors to be closed.

But recently, the Facebook event page for the Field Day fell under attack by a political group calling themselves the Gender-Oblivious Next-Gen Activitists for Democratic Socialism (G.O.N.A.D.S.) insistent that such athletic challenges were “dangerous throwbacks to fraternity hazing rituals, evocative of a less enlightened mindset and unacceptable in 2019”. The group which self-identifies as “a moral compass, guiding society towards an open-minded embrace of mutually beneficial evolution” has been known to protest everything from political appointments in Washington D.C. to gender-specific underwear bins at Dollar General.

However, Bethesda Motors CEO Mordecai Abernathy refuted the claim telling the group’s leaders, “This is a community event, open to all, and intended to unite us in a day of fun” adding “plus it’s not 2019”.

But Abernathy agreed that filling an SUV with dozens of participants, many of which are children, might not be a good idea. That said, two steps were taken to make the event more inclusive. First, the competition was modified to determine how many people could fit themselves (standing) into the bed of a pick-up, pitting offerings from different automakers against one another. Second, the members of G.O.N.A.D.S. were invited to participate. Team Captains drew straws before getting to pick which truck they wanted to use, leaving the GMC Canyon and Honda Ridgeline as the last to be selected. Of the two, the latter was next to be chosen, leaving the Canyon for which sparked an immediate social media firestorm.

“#LiterallyCrying right now” tweeted a member of G.O.N.A.D.S., claiming that they were being “forced into the GMC” which “everyone knows is a bigoted term for Gay Man’s Chevy. It’s High School all over again! #LastToBePicked”

Abernathy, who claimed general confusion over the entire situation, was advised by his lawyers to cancel the event. Addressing the disappointed members of the community, he was quoted as saying, “Can’t we do anything fun anymore? Also, I’m pretty sure GMC doesn’t stand for that.”

General Motors has yet to issue a formal statement.

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