At the risk of downplaying serious concerns, High School Superlatives can be a funny thing.
Sometimes known as the “Class Oscars” the informal awards process is intended to highlight notable characteristics of the outgoing senior class. From “Most Likely to Succeed” to “Most Athletic”, schools around the country embrace such recognition as a means of setting the elite apart from the mediocre, normally choosing a male and female senior as the winners of each category. But in today’s ultra “woke” society, these awards are being called into question.
First, comes the inevitable debate over the binary nature of the gender-centric selection process. In an ever-changing world that boasts dozens of gender assignments, it no longer seems fair to be content with choosing a ‘boy’ and a ‘girl’.
Then, comes the awards themselves…some of which imply the celebration of trite character attributes needing of an update. For example, why would we elevate students for being “Best Dressed” when having nice clothing is a bi-product of financial security that not every household can claim to have? Or why would we single out “Best Couple” when we should be creating stronger individual identities, and battling against the forced co-dependency of monogamous pairings in a patriarchal world?
Being a teenager is hard enough without learning, at the end of our four-year prison sentence, that we’ve been unknowingly competing for recognition that represents everything superficial and meaningless in our society. One could argue that it’s a means of giving those who peak early one last moment of glory before the universe gives them a size 11-wide poopshoot, but it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
And awards like “Most Studious” and “Best Personality” don’t do much to help the situation. While both are designed to award personal characteristics that should be viewed as positives in the world, they’re usually skimmed over during award presentation, since the recipients are unlikely to have the social clout to garner thunderous applause.
Having been part of a summer internship at General Motors, I’ve seen the same kind of social stratification among vehicles. The Silverado is the “Most Athletic” celebrated for its strength and prowess. The Camaro is the “Best Looking” because it’s easy on the eyes. And the 2019 GMC Terrain…well…it’s got a really nice personality.
I mean, sure…its cousin, the Tahoe, might get more attention but the Tahoe can be a real bitch sometimes. Most people don’t realize it because they think it’s so perfect, but trust us, the Tahoe does some fucked up stuff. I don’t know if you’ve heard about what happened between the Tahoe and the Traverse last year, but the new zero tolerance bullying policy didn’t seem to do too much good when no-one’s calling the Tahoe out for calling the Traverse a “f*g-mobile”.
The Terrain is really nice. Like, super nice. So, if you’re thinking about picking up a new SUV, forget about that stupid whore, the Tahoe, and go with a choice that’s good for you. The Terrain won’t hurt you. It’ll treat you right. And that’s why it won the “Best Personality” award. Unless, of course, you only care about looks… you shallow son of a bitch.