Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented show of bipartisan cooperation, Capitol Hill lawmakers joined together today, to discuss the recall of nearly 2 million Ford trucks. The reason for the recall? A defect in the design of the safety belts, capable of triggering deadly vehicle fires. Expected to cost the automaker as much as $140 million, it’s the latest in a long line of recalls which have been slandering the name of many automakers in the public consciousness.
What makes Ford’s defect so unique is the fact that it may (or may not) be responsible for an exponential increase in the number of costumed, vigilante crime fighters trying to protect our city streets. Just how many of these do-gooding misfits are there out there? Well, two…which may not sound like a lot, but that’s a huge jump up from zero. I mean, seriously. That’s just math.
It was Saturday, September 1st when Rick and Jessie Whitney were enjoying a relaxing and romantic picnic. To commemorate such a happy memory, the couple (both of whom are fitness trainers) decided to create a cute Instagram post of themselves cuddling behind the wheel of Rick’s truck. According to Jesse’s testimony, “We came up with the idea when we were getting ready to leave. Rick was already in the driver’s seat, secured by his seatbelt, when I jumped out of the truck and ran around to open Rick’s door and jump in. As I landed atop his lap, I reached down to release the seatbelt so that we would be more comfortable taking the photo. Unfortunately, in doing so, I created a static charge which ignited the seatbelt within its casing. Before we knew it, the entire casing was engulfed in flames which were now spreading through the cabin. As we threw the door open, it created a backdraft, which forced the flame through the cabin and vents prompting the truck to explode with both of us still inside of it.”
Now, we know what you might be thinking. If the couple was inside the vehicle when it exploded, and the incident happened so recently, how is Jessie Whitney healthy enough to recount the story so effectively? Well, according to the couple, they were unharmed in the explosion. How is this possible you ask?
“We don’t understand any more than you do,” explains Rick, reassuringly. “But for both of us to walk away without so much as a scratch, or heat blister, is a miracle.”
But, Professor Art Garfinkle of the University of Maryland has his own theory…a theory that revolves around the recent appearances of the costumed vigilantes known as ‘Captain Patriot’ and ‘Lady LIberty’. “Having apprehended dozens of criminals to assist local law enforcement, these heroes could represent a paradigm shift in our society. According to all reports, ‘Patriot’ possesses superhuman strength and invulnerability, and ‘Liberty’ is able to move at inhuman speeds. And while so many seem fixated on how they got these crimefighters got their powers, I feel that the question we need to be asking is, “Why haven’t we seen Captain Patriot and Lady Liberty in the same place as Rick and Jessie Whitney? It’s a well-known fact that superpowers and a desire to take decisive action against evil-doers can result from personal tragedy. It seems to me that being caught in an exploding truck could prompt exactly that sort of thing!”
But, in their testimony to law makers, Rick and Jessie Whitney don’t agree. “We just wanted a cute picture for Instagram. We know that we’re lucky to be alive, and while we aren’t looking to crucify Ford Motor Company for this defect, we want to make sure that this sort of thing doesn’t happen to anyone else out there.”
Thoughtful consideration, or a well-designed plan to make sure that they’re the only superheroes in town? You be the judge.