As a writer at The Lemon, I consider myself quite the car aficionado. Every now and then, I like to flex my vehicle evaluation prowess by rating some of the most renowned vehicles of all time. For today’s lesson, I will be grading my favorite modified vehicles from the hit MTV show “Pimp My Ride.”
Before we dive into the individual cars, I’ve provided a brief description of my grading scale. These vehicles are probably worthless and inoperable nowadays, so the values will admittedly be kept relatively low. Instead of assigning some arbitrary money value to each vehicle, I’ve instead decided to rely on my more-reliable “Bag’o’Dorito Scale.” How does the method work? Well, each individual bag of Doritos usually sells for around $2.50. Therefore, each “Bag’o’Dorito” is worth approximately $2.50.
Understood? Great. Now, let’s start evaluating some of Xzibit’s best creations from “Pimp My Ride,” which range from odd truck accessories to major mechanical modifications…
Yo, man. We added a: Jackhammer
Listen, there are plenty of ways that you can get a return on your investment for a 1986 Buick. The vehicle is plenty powerful, it’s comfortable, and it’s efficient. Therefore, the car should be plenty usable. However, if you add a jackhammer into the equation, then you’re looking at a vehicle that can prove invaluable for years to come.
Sorry, we’re not talking about a literal jackhammer. Rather, we’re talking about the show’s installation of a Jackhammer subwoofer, which included the use of eight batteries (each with its own accompanying amplifier) and a steel support brace. There was even a meter to prevent hearing damage, as the system was capable of being louder than a jet’s engine.
Of course, I’m a bit skeptical that this system lasted all that long. There’s a solid chance that the owner blew out the speakers, leaving a prospective buyer with an underwhelming listening experience. Therefore, I give this vehicle:
12 bags of Doritos
Yo, man. We added: Flames
If you’ve been looking to intimidate your fellow drivers (or, alternatively, light their vehicle on fire), then you might want to check out this modified Mustang. The TV show configured the vehicle so it was capable of shooting flames out of the exhaust pipes for up to 20 minutes. After the fuel runs out, the owner presumably returned home to drive a much more practical vehicle.
Of course, the owner eventually learned that the modification was illegal and had to be removed (sincerely!). Therefore, you’re essentially looking at an aging Mustang that had undergone unnecessary modifications. Therefore, I’m not dishing out a whole lot of chips for this car. I’m going to give it:
1 bag of Doritos
Yo, man. We added a: Hot tub
Have you ever been commuting to work and thought to yourself “Gee, I could really go for a dip in a hot tub right now.” In that scenario, you’d have to go to a spa, or you could hit up your rich friend and see if you can hang out in their backyard. In other words, you’re not going to be able to realize your dream.
Of course, if you opt for the Econoline van that was featured on the show, you would have your wish. The show added a jacuzzi to the back of this van, allowing the owner to take a brief relaxing break whenever they desired. The vehicle also included a moonlight, allowing the hot tub’s occupants to also appreciate the fresh air.
Of course, the suspension was drastically modified, meaning the vehicle probably didn’t hold up all that long. Also, I’d reckon the owner didn’t particularly take care of the literal tub, and I don’t think you could pay me four million bags of Doritos to take a soak in there today. Still, it’s definitely a way to impress your buds, so I’d give this car:
3 bags of Doritos
Yo, man. We added a: Chandelier
There’s opulence, but then there’s luxury, and the show revamped a Trans Am to add one of the most luxurious objects of all time: a chandelier. Of course, considering the size of the vehicle, the part was relatively underwhelming. Essentially, it was a couple of crystal tassels hanging from the ceiling of the car.
I’m not going to pay extra for an amenity that I can purchase for a couple of bucks at Hobby Lobby. Therefore, I’m going to pull out a bit of an unprecedented rating system with this car and offer:
0 bags of Doritos
Yo, man. We added a: Grill… in a coffin
Listen, I’m all for tailgating, and getting a grill installed into your vehicle is a brilliant idea. Thanks to this inclusion, drivers only need a bag of charcoal and a pack of hot dogs, and they’ll be set up for an impending feast. However, I don’t know if I’m a particularly big fan of this modification.
One of the show’s contestants was looking to revise his hearse. Besides adding a number of distasteful exterior amenities, they also included a grill out back… which was placed inside of a removable coffin. There’s something odd about cooking dead animals inside of a coffin, so I’m not a particularly big fan of this modification. Of course, I also love myself some meat, so I’m going to give this vehicle:
100 bags of Doritos
Yo, man. We added…monitors in your fenders
We’ve all been there: you have an odd desire to watch a TV show or movie, but you can’t be inconvenienced to go inside of your house. In fact, you can’t be inconvenienced to leave your current location right next to your Toyota Corolla. Fortunately, you can take advantage of the monitors that were installed directly into the vehicles fender.
Yea, I don’t get it either. This isn’t only impractical, but it probably compromises safety. It really shouldn’t be all that surprising that the owner wrecked the vehicle shortly after the TV show wrapped up filming the episode. Therefore, if he’s looking to sell the car… he really doesn’t have much to sell. As a result, this car gets:
1 bag of Doritos