Rindge, NH – On one hand, it’s hard to argue that the 2019 Chevy Camaro is an eye-catching example of performance-minded engineering paired with iconic styling and has evolved over time. A vehicle whose enduring popularity over five decades has hit new highs in the past decade. Then again, one might say the same thing about the mullet, a hairstyle whose apparent resurrection (three decades past its prime) has people rethinking what it truly means to engineer an iconic style. And historically speaking, the two go somewhat hand-in-hand, with countless 2nd and 3rd-gen Camaro owners embracing the idea of “business in the front, party in the back”.
“It’s not a hairstyle, it’s a lifestyle,” explains Kaz Libbings, a self-proclaimed Camaro aficionado. Sweeping his luscious neck-mane away from his shoulder Libbings offered valuable insight into the undeniable link between the mullet, the Camaro and 1987’s Ozzy Osbourne / Randy Rhoads ‘Tribute’ album.
“You really can’t have one without the others. And since (i) the Camaro is more popular than ever and (ii) I happen to have a cassette copy of ‘Tribute’ inside of this acid-wash denim jacket, I think it’s about time we accept that the mullet is back, and it ain’t going nowhere.”
“Think of all the greats, who rocked the mullet: Patrick Swayze, Chuck Norris, Michael Bolton, John Stamos and, of course, Billy Ray Cyrus. The mullet was a symbol of masculinity, virility, and a devil-may-care attitude that could manifest itself in a rock & roll lifestyle, affinity for line-dancing or maybe even yield a lucrative endorsement deal with the makers of the Total Gym. And that’s what the world needs in 2019 to counter this sham that we call the ‘War on Men’.”
And while a massive amount of women are protesting the return of the mullet, those women are not advocates of the phenomenon Libbings refers to as the ‘War on Men’. Their energy is far more focused on a singular point of contention. That’s right…collectively they form a well-organized group of hairstylists who stand in direct opposition to the mullet’s return.
“We feel there are a plethora of reasons why someone would make the mistake of sporting a mullet,” explains Djara Sansun, one of the protestors. “Maybe they’ve never moved on from 80’s fashion trends. Perhaps they’ve suffered cumulative brain trauma from decades worth of memberships in adult hockey leagues. But the reason WHY someone would support such a monstrosity of a coiffure is inconsequential. We’re better than that, as a society; and accepting the mullet’s return would be a giant leap backward. We might as well repeal the 19th amendment and restore racial segregation!”
And that’s when things went a little crazy. According to witnesses, Ms. Sansun’s sarcastic suggestions regarding radically regressive policy change proved quite popular against the mulleted masses. Suddenly, anti-mullet protestors found themselves surrounded by rings of Camaro’s, circling them like a wagon train. And behind the wheel of those Camaros were men with mullets. Lush and beautiful mullets. Mullets atop men who were completely on-board with the idea of restoring a chauvinistic WASP-y America long-since gone.
In a press release, GM CEO Mary Barra stated, “In light of the recent events in New Hampshire and the sensitive nature of this cultural debate, General Motors has decided to re-evaluate the future of the Camaro. We can no longer debate the link between the Camaro, mullet hairstyles and dangerously non-inclusive sociopolitical ideology. We must recognize our role in both repair and reparation, and are prepared to move forward.”
And, in a related story, iTunes has reported a massive spike in downloads of the Ozzy “Tribute” album. Osbourne himself was notably surprised, issuing a public statement. Unfortunately, no-one could understand what he was saying.
