Apple. Robert Downey Jr. Lego. Miley Cyrus. Old Spice. Caitlin Jenner. Bruce Jenner’s closet. What do all of these things have in common? They’ve all been recognized for reinventing themselves in fresh, new ways. More importantly, those reinventions came as a result of personal choice, not as a result of outside pressure, insistence, or even request. And it would appear that Ford Motor Company has now joined those ranks by delivering a fresh, new take on something that no-one was really asking for.
This past week, Ford ended more than a year of widespread speculation by revealing their ‘Mustang-Inspired’ Mach-E all-electric crossover SUV. Referring to it as a reinvention of the modern SUV, Ford has left a lot of people wondering who their target audience is. So, recognizing that there’s a lot to unpack, let’s break it down.
Let’s start off with a quick look:
First things first (but not necessarily in that order), there’s the fact that it’s a crossover SUV. No real surprise there because of the ever-increasing popularity of crossovers. Ultimately, crossovers are the new minivan, except they’re made for mothers who consider it important to be known as a ‘cool mom’. We all know the type. They post about coffee being their life-blood. They’re self-proclaimed Cardi B fans, desperately grasping for the wild youth they can’t remember because they did too much ecstasy in community college. They can’t wait for their kids to be in high school, so they can host parties (after all, they are the “cool mom”). They own (at least) one wine-themed novelty shirt. They should probably buy stock in lube and have all-but forgotten what sober non-missionary intercourse is like. Nothing is ever “made right” at restaurants, and they’re inevitably mean to any woman who’s younger, prettier, thinner, smarter, or more successful than them. They post on Facebook about how amazing their man is, even though everyone knows he’s a glorified cuck because of their joint Facebook account. Worst of all, they pronounce “meme” “mee-mee” because “it’s all stupid anyway”.
Let’s be honest, you probably already have one or two of these people in mind – and even though we don’t know their names – it’s probably safe if we refer to them as “Karen”.
Then comes the fact that it’s an EV. The fact is, most every automaker is reshaping their strategy around an “all-EV” future. Sustainability should be important to all of us, so with the growing popularity of crossover SUVs, it would make sense that most EV platforms are being built with them in mind. Especially since Karen is a proud progressive, has a crush on former VP Joe Biden and doesn’t understand why people can’t get their head out of their ass, and pitch in to create a more loving society. Sure, she has a hyphenated last name – but that’s because it’s important to maintain your own identity. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t support relationships and legal unions. It’s just that Karen isn’t defined by any man, and could never be bought with a ring. More importantly, she wouldn’t be bought with the multiple rings that her cuck husband (let’s call him “Marc” with a ‘c’) bought her in the hopes of pleasing her (not that he did). She clearly expects him to be a fucking mind-reader and has long accepted the fact that “he can’t do anything right the first time.” Not that she’s wrong, because Marc’s a f*cking idiot and everyone knows it…especially Rick (Karen’s high school sweetheart, who she started banging on the side after he hooked her up with a spot on his Thrive sales team).
Next comes Ford’s decision to use the Mach-E name, adapted from the Mach 1 moniker most commonly associated with the first-gen Mustang. In other words, it’s what Ford means when they say “Mustang-Inspired”. It’s a lot like how ‘Ice Ice Baby’ was “Inspired by Queen” and how Kim Kardashian’s ass was “inspired by a desire to have D-List celebrities all up inside of it, until she worked her way up the Hip-Hop ladder to marry its ultimate middle-manager.” Not that we claim to be Kim Kardashian experts, but Karen’s probably a huge f*cking fan, because she’s a reality TV-loving garbage human like that. Either way, you can rest assured that Karen will be rolling up in the Mach-E, telling everyone that she drives a Mustang.
But, in all fairness, the Mach-E isn’t a shitty as you might think, and doesn’t even look as shitty as you might think; as long as you’re a fan of the Mazda CX-5, of course. Otherwise, it’s pretty much a train wreck….just like Karen’s sham of a loveless marriage.