There was a time when people carried themselves with a certain amount of dignity and class while doing business with a company. You see this when you look at photos of people flying on planes 60 years ago. Everyone is dressed nicely, men in suits and ladies in nice outfits, all behaving with the utmost decorum. These days, the great unwashed masses cram together in cylindrical tubes hurled through the sky dressed in tank tops and flip flops, squealing and making sundry barnyard sounds while farting aggressively to assert dominance.
Fortunately, some people still know how to behave properly and conduct themselves when doing business with a company or presenting themselves as customers. I recently received a letter from a man explaining the rules for proper etiquette when visiting a Honda dealer near Watford City, and I must say I was impressed. Rather than try to provide you with some listicle nonsense version of it, I’ll present it here as it was sent. That way I don’t have to do more work.
Dear Mr. Von Gourdboddum,
Allow me to say, first of all, that I am a great admirer of your work within the realm of automotive journalism and see you as the reporter working today with the highest level of integrity and worth. Your work is important and essential. I can only hope it continues for several more lifetimes so that our children’s children can benefit still from your wisdom.
While perusing the comments on some of your articles, however, I’ve noticed a distinct lack of class and courtesy amongst some of your readers. This has me worried as I’m a man of refined tastes and wish to see others behave accordingly.
As such, I’d like to provide you with some helpful information that you might share with your readers on a subject that is very dear to my heart: proper behavior at a Honda dealership. As you know, Honda is a Japanese company and the Japanese people, who I respect sincerely, are well known for the dignity and honor in their behavior. The land that produced Bushido, the samurai, and panty vending machines is one of discriminating tastes. If you want to be treated with respect as their customer, then you should show them similar courtesy.
For starters, when you arrive at a Honda dealership you will be greeted by a geisha, one of the courtesans of Japanese legend. She is a lady educated in the finest things and an expert in all imaginable earthly pleasures. Expect to be entertained and delighted, enthralled and charmed by her feminine wiles. If you’re very fortunate, perhaps she will perform a song for you on the koto, an experience you will not soon forget.
Once you’ve been enchanted, then it’s time for business. It’s vital that you bow repeatedly to the salesman when he approaches you—not bowing is a tremendous sign of disrespect. If you dishonor your salesman, he may be required to commit seppuku and disembowel himself right before your very eyes. Should this occur, do not panic as you’ve been given the highest honor in Japanese auto sales. A new salesman will replace the one lying bleeding at your feet; just be sure to bow this time.
It is customary to engage in four to six hours of conversation before you ever begin discussing the vehicle you’re interested in. Broaching the subject of auto sales before this time has passed is a great offense and brings indignity upon your house. I suggest you stick to light subjects such as the beauty of cherry blossoms or your favorite hentai. If you find that you and your salesperson share similar tastes in the perverted arts, you’re more likely to get a discount on your next Honda vehicle, so don’t be afraid to really lay it all out there. I find I’ve received the best prices when I discuss my love of [content deleted to protect the guilty].
Once all is done and you drive away, remember that it is customary to visit your salesman at his home several times over the next year. Arrive at his home just before dawn so that you can watch the sunrise together, greet his wife with a traditional gift of fried squidballs and a presentation of your genitals, and then spend the day together to honor what they’ve done for you. I’ve only had the police called on me twice while utilizing this approach, and both times the officers were very understanding and let me go once they realized that I’m a white male.
I hope this helps. Please take care of yourself Mr. Von Gourdboddum and be careful of the third step on your stairs. I noticed it seemed a little loose when I was watching you through your window last night. Please feel free to leave your lights on too, as it will make what’s to come much easier for both of us.
[Name deleted], a fan
I have nothing of value to add, as Mr. [deleted] clearly presented his information in the perfect way. I only hope you find it as enlightening as I did.
Editor’s Note: I went into the auto journalism scene because I was tired of dealing with the coked-out perverts and caffeine-overdosed meth heads you find in most newsrooms these days. And yet, no matter how far I go, how often I change my name, or how many times I delete my contact information, these articles continue to find me. There is no respite, no surcease of sorrow; ad infinitum.