Friends, I take my job as an auto industry insider and investigative reporter very seriously, which is why I work so hard to bring you the latest inside info. In particular, I really enjoy revealing the seedy, slimy underbelly of the industry, whether that means exposing a Ford F-150 dealer that’s trying to sell Chevy trucks with Ford stickers slapped on them or diving into the private correspondence of major Ford executives. It doesn’t matter to me; either way, I get to grow rich off the misfortune and malfeasance of others.
Recently, I came across a major leak from inside The Ford Motor Company – not just from any run-of-the-mill designer or middling executive either. Oh no, this is fresh from the private letters and emails of Ford CEO, Mr. Jim Farley himself. As far as I’m aware, I’m the only reporter with this important document right now, so you can brag that you read it here first.
The Shocking Letter
I warn you now, if you’re faint of heart, you might want to sit down and drink some cool water before continuing. What you’re about to see represents the full unbridled horror of the modern auto industry. You’ve been warned. Now, without commentary or alteration, I present to you a letter recently penned by the Ford Motor Company CEO. Brace yourself…
It has been some 50 years since last I wrote to you and, at the time, I seem to recall you were not one to offer me much in the way of seasonal recompense. Your excuse regarding my behavior then is one that I have continued to find unpersuasive. But all such issues are in the past, and I hope that the decades since said time have found you well.
I’m writing to you now, on this the eve of the 2021 Holiday Season to ask for gifts from you not only on my own behalf but on that of all of the many men and women who are in my employ. Your gifts to us would mean much in this time of merriment and reflection. Santa Claus, I ask of you the following simple gifts:
1. An order of some 300,000 semiconductor microchips
2. An order of some 30,000 Ford Bronco hard tops
3. A signed photo from Mary Lou Retton
4. Additional battery fires on Chevy Bolt EV models
5. Something for my wife – I think she likes music, but I’m not sure
Based on my behavior this year, I believe you’ll agree that I more than deserve these gifts. Under my leadership, Ford China year-to-date sales grew 11% this year, while our full-year adjusted earnings are expected to be as high as $10 billion. Despite our growth and success, however, I could really use a win here – otherwise, people are going to start noticing we’re shipping vehicles without microchips to dealerships. Many thanks in advance!
With Warmest Season’s Greetings,
Big Jimmy Farley, CEO Ford Motor Company
Dictated But Not Read
What this Means
Despite their claims to the contrary that the chip shortage wouldn’t be too big a deal, or that it would be over this year, the preceding letter seems to say otherwise. Personally, I’m not sure Santa cares that much about profit forecasts, overseas growth, or earning potential when he’s checking his list. If I was Mr. Farley, I’d expect to see a heaping helping of coal in my stocking this year, but that’s just me. Maybe Santa will come through, or maybe Ford will continue closing down factories for weeks at a time while posting major growth and profits. We’ll see.
Editor’s Note: Based on our own research, we’d like to remind all of the boys and girls out there to be good, for goodness sake. Thank you.