Lamest Friendship Pact Ever Leads to Tandem Suicide

2018 Ford Focus vs 2018 Toyota Corolla

In these often confusing times, judgment runs rampant. Not only are there so many individuals who fear societal change, be it interracial marriage or gender diversity, but the connectivity offered by social media makes it all too simple to preach one’s beliefs from behind a digital pulpit. The result can represent bullying in its various forms, often with dire consequences. And this dangerous trend may never be more true, than when teenagers and young adults are involved.

Meet Aiden Cadensmith and Jaden Braydenoff, 19-year old best friends from Butte, Montana. Or at least they were from Butte, before taking their own lives as a result of a stupid ‘friendship pact’ they’d made years before.

Aside from their names (blame the ‘Rhymes With Aiden’ naming epidemic of 1998-2018) both young men had everything going for them: beautiful homes, loving families, low BMI scores, and the kind of hairstyles you’d see on CW teen drama that you probably didn’t realize was still on TV. Having been neighbors since infancy, the boys had been inseparable for the better part of their entire lives.

Hayden and Peyton Cadensmith recall what their son was like, growing up. “He and Jaden were two peas in a pod. They spent all their time together and had all the same interests, especially their shared love of cars. I’m pretty sure they starting saving at around the age of eight.”

Layton Braydenoff agrees, “I was always so glad that my son had a friend like Aiden. Here I was, raising him all alone (alleging that her former husband “ran off with one of those whores from ‘Teen Mom 2’”). I can still remember them like it was yesterday, planning what kind of cars they would buy once they had saved enough…making a pact that they would do it together. Looking back, though, there were signs that we should have been concerned about…”

According to both families, they are carrying a great deal of regret for not noticing the trend of vehicles that would serve as their ultimate downfall.

“Most kids dream of high-end sports cars, motorcycles or jacked-up trucks,” explained Ms. Braydenoff. “But our boys seemed obsessed with sensible vehicles. For them, it was all about fuel-economy and an accessible price point.”

“I guess things came to a head when they had saved up enough, but couldn’t decide between a 2018 Ford Focus vs. 2018 Toyota Corolla. Then, since they planned to buy two cars, they did the sensible thing and bought one of each.

A tearful Mrs. Cadensmith elaborated further, through her sobs,”It just isn’t natural, you know. You’re not supposed to settle for something sensible until you’ve lived a little…until you’ve sown your oats…or competed for the heart of Bret Michaels on VH-1’s ‘Rock of Love’!”

“What?” asked Mr. Cadensmith.

“Um, nothing,” was the only reply she could muster.

So, Aiden Cadensmith became the proud owner of a 2018 Toyota Corolla while Jaden Braydenoff drove off in a 2018 Ford Focus. Aside from better names, it was all they had ever wanted. So, naturally, they took to social media for bragging rights.

But Aiden and Jaden’s friends, and former classmates weren’t quite as impressed by the purchase. First, came the barrage of laughing faced emoji’s on Facebook, followed by mockingly negative comments that arrived en masse on Instagram. Don’t even get us started on the fun people had with the Poop Emoji filter on Snapchat.

Distraught, they did what every teenager would do when the world became too difficult to bear. They engaged in the ritualistic summoning of the Dark Lord himself, in the hopes that they could damn the souls of their detractors. They felt that they could trust Satan (after all, his name did rhyme with Aiden) but the Devil is a slippery character, interested only in the collection of souls.

“They’re good kids,” explained Satan. “But they need to understand that I can’t just go around stealing souls indiscriminately. Plus, if I used social media activity as a device of damnation, everyone would be (finger quotes) traveling south, if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn’t want to leave empty-handed, so I pulled a couple of strings.”

The strings he pulled were those of local trucker, Peter Bilt. Having been left by his girlfriend the night before, he was currently in a state of emotional bargaining, claiming he’d do anything to get her back. Amenable to such an agreement, Satan arranged to have Peter drive his truck through the Arby’s parking lot where Aiden and Jaden had crafted the salt pentagram used to summon him the underworld. And in doing so, Peter Bilt obeyed Beelzebub and did his bidding, by driving directly into the two new vehicles and destroying them as the boys looked on.

Distraught, the boys wondered if there was any reason to go on.

“I felt bad for them,” said Lucifer. “I guess…then again, if your life’s goals are built around a Ford Focus and Camry, there’s really nowhere else to go. You might as well kill yourself.”

And that they did…and their souls are now burning in Hell.

The moral of story? If you love your children, stop giving your kids names that rhyme with Aiden, even if you find a creative way to spell it. It’s stupid. And they’ll probably die, most likely after buying a lame-ass car. Because you know who’d buy a stupid car? Someone whose entire identity is built around a ridiculous name that tries to sound original, while stripping your child of any originality.


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