When you’re shopping for SUVs, you’ll find that each brand tends to tout their various accolades and awards. However, there are a number of awards that you probably haven’t heard about, whether it be because of their risqué topic or lack of enthusiasm.
Below, we’ve reviewed some lesser-known SUV awards that didn’t get much traction. When you’ve finished exploring these accolades, you may find that you’re actually interested in the specific attribute these publications are touting. Then, you’ll know the best SUV to pursue when it’s time to start shopping for a new ride…
“Best SUV to Hide in Your Sadness” – Blu
Have kids? Live with roommates? Dealing with some personal issues? We all know that a quick ride around the block can do a lot to clear your mind. However, for those who are dealing with a deep-rooted sadness, you may rely on your SUV to go on hours-long cry sessions. Well, Blu magazine, which caters to those who seem to be sad about everything, created their “Best SUV to Hide in Your Sadness” award, recognizing the nameplates that best allow owners to drown in their own sorrows.
“We all just need to, like, cry sometimes,” said writer Wyatt Girl. “Sometimes, like, I just need to get away from my friends or co-workers or something. Like, that’s why we here at Blu thought it’d be a great idea to showcase the vehicles that let you just, like, get away.”
Ultimately, the publication was looking for SUVs that were devoid of any interior amenities, meaning the owner was simply forced to drive and think. Blu also discovered the vehicles that tend to be unreliable, noting that breakdowns allow owners to wallow in their misery. Ultimately, few car brands wanted to be considered a “vehicle for sad people,” and Blu magazine ended the honor after only two years.
“Best SUV to Hide Your Pot” – High-Ya Magazine
Let’s be clear off the bat: we don’t condone driving while under the influence of anything, whether it be liquor or weed. However, there’s no denying that your vehicle provides an excellent place to hide that pot. Well, considering the abundance of cargo spaces included in SUVs, High-Ya Magazine wanted to reveal the models that provided the best places to hide your marijuana. The publication was especially enamored with vehicles that had “hidden storage spots,” and extra points were awarded to nameplates that provide lockable areas.
“Man, I always store my weed in my SUV,” said Japanese High-Ya Magazine subscriber, So Hi. “It’s the perfect place to hide that skunk from any of your friends and family. Most of the people I know, they don’t like me smoking pot. They say I get too dangerous when I’m all crunked up on weed and shit. I mean, I got a little girl that I’ve got to take care of, and they’re yelling at me, saying I should be taking care of her. Like, bitch, just let me watch some Game of Thrones or something. I love those direwolves, and HBO always has the best shows. And they’re all like “So, wash the dishes. So, change your baby’s diaper. So, put your pants on and get off grandma’s scooter.” Like hell no! I don’t got to be what others want me to be… what was the question again?”
While brands are seemingly more progressive nowadays, this didn’t roll with car companies back in the early 2000s. The Chevy Suburban was the first recipient of the award, but Chevy refused to attend the ceremony honoring the accolade. Before long, High-Ya Magazine decided to discontinue the award altogether.
“Most Room for Sexy Time” – Neckbeard Weekly
This award would have been useful for those who look to get a bit frisky in their SUV. If you were ever a teenager driving around in a large vehicle, you’re certainly familiar with crawling through your piles of trash with a young lady to the back of your van or SUV. After you got your dry hand job or whatever, it’s time to drive your date back home and tell your parents that “you saw a movie.”
Well, this specific SUV attribute apparently wasn’t only important to teenagers. Rather, Neckbeard Weekly looked to recognize the various vehicles that provide enough room to (as they said) “do it.”
“Sometimes, us neckbeards don’t have the ability to bring a girl home and bang,” said executive editor, Hugh G. Rection. “Instead, we have to rely on the back of our SUV if we want any sexy time. Whether we’re recognizing any of Chevy’s phenomenal SUVs or Ford’s various offerings, we want consumers to know which nameplates deliver the most space for sex.”
Unsurprisingly, the accolade didn’t really catch on. Few brands were willing to accept the publication’s award, and Neckbeard Weekly soon went out of business following the release of their first issue.
“Best Place to Cook Meth” – Clark County Correctional Facility’s Monthly Inmate Newsletter
Listen, we’ve all seen Breaking Bad. Apparently, all you need to cook meth is some big pots and pans, some of that expensive gunk in those giant bins, and a roomy vehicle. Sure, RVs are the best choice. However, as those over at the Clark County Correctional Facility’s Monthly Inmate Newsletter pointed out, SUVs also make a good place to cook that meth. Ultimately, the writer was requesting two major amenities: easily removable seats and tinted windows.
“If you ever have to make meth in a crunch, an SUV is the perfect place to make that happen,” said Beta, the writer. “You just got to remove your seats and get all of the equipment. Ideally, you’ll find a quiet area to cook. Then, the magic happens.”
Clark County Correctional Facility’s Monthly Inmate Newsletter’s editors were so confident about the award, they tried to get Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan to come and present the inaugural honors (he declined). Deterred by this setback, the staff ended up giving up (which, when you think about it, is a sad equivalent to their overall lives).