The world is adrift in a sea of victim allegations, public naming, and general outrage.
Amidst an endless sea of #metoo postings inundating social media platforms, we live in a world where offenders and oppressors find themselves in the perpetual crosshairs for their wrong-doing.
And, based on the events of a riot held today in Bethesda, MD, it would appear as though the automotive industry is no exception to this scrutiny. In the early afternoon, a crowd gathered on the premises of the Turtotte Auto Group to protest what they considered the ‘unfair, puritanical and morally vacant classification of previously owned vehicles’.
To clarify, they are protesting the continued use of the of the word ‘Used’ in reference to those vehicles, and the negative connotation that minimizes the perception of their value.
“Calling a pre-owned car ‘used’ is no better than using the word ‘slut’ to describe an enlightened woman with a healthy sexual apetite,” offers Amanda Splayne, a Baltimore-based protestor. “It’s a result of an oppressive patriarchy’s obsession with translating virginity to commodity so that it can be traded for revenue!”
Surrounded by a sea of hastily-scribbled signs, wielded by angry militant marchers, she(?) continued.
“This is the 21st century. It is about time that the masculinist alt-right phallus brigade stops impressing labels upon people, places and things that might otherwise label themselves alternatives!”
Unfortunately, we were unable to locate the masculinist phallus brigade for comment. But we were able to speak to the very confused owner of the dealership, Taye Turtotte. When asked for his opinion on the matter, Mr. Turtotte simply dabbed his brow and replied, “I am so confused right now.”
“This is automotive slut-shaming!” insisted Becca D. Faqup, another of the protestors. “By calling these vehicles ‘used’, we are demeaning them and minimizing their value. And the big picture is even worse. Why do we view used…I mean ‘enriched’…vehicles as being less valuable, less desirable? Why damn it? Why?”
In response, authorities gathered a Press Conference on-site. Lt. Newt Turdman of the Bethesda Police Department offered the following statement.
“I am so confused right now.”
The consistency of this sentiment was echoed across social media, creating the most confused trending in the history of trending website Hashatit. Equally confused people across the country began to unite in their confusion, under the hashtag #metoo.
As explained by Hashatit VP of Operations, Milan Neal, “This represents the first time that the same hashtag is being used by both sides of a debate. The arguments of both the accusers and the perceived oppressors are becoming mixed and jumbled across social media. It’s what we always feared…it’s the HashTagocalypse.”
In light of the HashTagocalypse, you can expect local cable and WiFi suppliers to air messages from the Emergency Broadcast System. Simply the follow the instructions, which will be to step away from all electronic media and either (i) brace yourself in a doorway, or (ii) climb under a desk with your fingers locked behind your head. Either action should protect you from the Social Media Shockwave.
