“Whoever smelt it, dealt it” is a term you won’t be hearing much longer if you’re traveling in one of Mazda’s vehicles. That’s because the brand recently announced their unique “Fart Stifler 2000,” an exclusive technology that will help hide the smell of farts.
Essentially, the brand’s engineers discovered a clever way to include specialized vents in each of their vehicle’s seats. When an occupant lets one rip, the odor will travel through these vents into an industry-exclusive “fart container.” This specific unit is full of incense, deodorant, and flowers, and an innovative sponge is included. The sponge will absorb the smell of the fart, and the unit will subsequently push those flowers and incense through your vehicle’s climate control system. Now, if you accidentally fart during a road trip, you’ll find that your fellow drivers aren’t complaining. More so, you’ll find that the driver isn’t suffocating due to the pungent smell.
You may be thinking: why the hell did Mazda want to stifle farts? Well, it all started back in January of this year, when Ira Table-Bowle caused a nasty, 20-car wreck on a highway in Texas. When investigators began looking into the collision, they found that Ms. Table-Bowle had consumed a copious amount of barbecue food earlier that day. Instead of using the toilet before leaving the restaurant, the individual proceeded to drive home. During her journey, she cut a few farts, but the smell proved to be too unbearable to handle. Ms. Table-Bowle lost consciousness and ultimately caused the crash.
“It was the farts,” the driver had told the responding policemen. “My barbecue farts… they wouldn’t leave me alone!”
A further investigation found that Mazda’s vehicles weren’t capable of dissipating the nasty smell of a fart. Compared to other brand’s vehicles, Mazda’s cars tended to leave a lingering smell that could be intoxicating (depending on the level and power of the respective farts). To prevent a similar accident from happening again, the brand quickly went to work on their “Fart Stifler 2000.”
“We don’t want any of our drivers to pass out due to their farts,” the brand said in a statement. “We were all dismayed that our vehicles played a significant role in Ms. Table-Bowle’s crash. Therefore, we quickly realized that something had to be done to stifle these farts. Well, we’re proud to announce that our genius engineers have created the “Fart Stifler 2000,” which will soon revolutionize the entire industry.”
Several pundits have already commended Mazda for their brand-new technology. Fast food critic Fats McGee agreed that the brand’s vehicles have done an admirable job of hiding the smell that accompanies McDonald’s or Burger King farts.
“I let out some of the nastiest farts around,” McGee said. “However, when I tooted inside of Mazda’s vehicles, I quickly found that the smell didn’t linger. Normally, I’d wallow in the smell and hate my life. Now, I just want to eat more fast food!”
Several publications have also recognized the brand’s unique accomplishments. Car and Driver recently awarded Mazda with their inaugural “Fart Crash Prevention” award, which lauded the brand for recognizing the risks of smelly farts.
“Mazda is again shaking up the industry with their new Fart Stifler 2000,” the publication said. “This doesn’t only lead to a much more enjoyable driving experience. Rather, it will also play a significant role in boosting safety. Ultimately, we figured we’d be remiss if we didn’t recognize Mazda for their technological accomplishment.”
To showcase their new innovation, Mazda went to New York City and had random commuters fart inside a stationary vehicle. Word caught on, and soon many of the city’s top farters converged to Time Square to see if the car could truly hide their farts. Each of the participants was impressed to learn that the smell did not actually linger.
“I’ve cleared out entire buildings,” said Far Ter. “I was incredibly impressed to learn that Mazda’s vehicles did a good job of finding my farts.”
However, some consumers aren’t happy with the brand’s technology. Professional “Magic: The Gathering” collector, Will Pickett, said he enjoyed the smell of his farts. He unknowingly purchased a Mazda vehicle that was equipped with this technology, and he was rather unhappy to find that the smells were no longer lingering.
“This is blasphemy,” Pickett told The Lemon. “I know Mazda is trying to optimize safety and all that, but sometimes, us drivers like to smell our farts! I’ll never be driving one of the brand’s vehicles again, and I’m sure many of my fellow “Fart Smellers” will agree.”
Alas, Pickett and his fellow Fart Smellers of the Eastern United States have petitioned Mazda to remove the technology from their vehicles. Predictably, the brand was not too keen on ditching their innovation.
“Yes, we recognize that there is a small group of Mazda drivers who like to smell their own farts,” an anonymous employee said in an exclusive interview with The Lemon. “However, we need to accommodate the great majority who don’t enjoy smelling their own farts.”
Well, a rival brand quickly picked up on this request by the Fart Smellers of the Eastern United States. Jeep is now offering to equip their vehicles with extra insulation, allowing the smell of farts to linger longer than usual. This has been a revelation for Mr. Pickett, who said the smells are now lasting twice as long.
“It’s incredible,” he said. “Usually, the fart smell would last for about an hour. Now, the smell will stick around all day! For fart smellers like myself, I can’t see myself ever pursuing another brand’s vehicles. In fact, I’ve been eating a whole lot of Taco Bell in order to maximize my newfound opportunity!”
Now, thanks to Mazda, farters now have a variety of choices when they’re pursuing a new ride. They can opt for Mazda and the fart stifler, or they can turn to Jeep’s insulated, fart-lingering SUVs. Regardless of your final choice, we’re sure you’ll be satisfied with the results!