New Gordon Ramsey-voiced GPS Tells You How Terrible of a Driver You Are

Gordon Ramsey is shown arguing with a driver on which is better in a 2023 Ford Explorer vs 2023 Kia Telluride showdown.

TULSA, OK — The last time we visited Kingston Kia, it was for a feature entitled “2023 Ford Explorer vs 2023 Kia Telluride; Which One Has Best Potential to Catch Fire?” Well, we’ve made an unexpected return to this dealership to report on an exciting new development in driving assistance technology. Kia—a brand that is always looking toward the future—has partnered with world-renowned chef Gordon Ramsey for a new onboard navigation system. “We got the idea after an eight-hour binge of Kitchen Nightmares,” Kia spokesperson Raul Cabeza said. “Trash television is always entertaining. People love seeing the chef explode at people who can’t cook, and the drama continues to drive up ratings.”

Kia’s plan is to revolutionize a feature that’s become quite commonplace on many vehicles, which is voice-activated navigation. By combining the love for trash TV with this cutting-edge GPS technology, Kia hopes to capitalize on both. We took the new Telluride for a test drive to experience the prototype, and we couldn’t help but be impressed with the results.

As we began our test drive, it didn’t take long for the famous chef’s voice to make his presence felt. As we started the ignition, a voice bellowed from the infotainment system: “What the fuck are you waiting for? You have a fucking shift lever right in front of you—use the bloody thing!” We obliged and exited the dealership. As we took to the streets, we were careful to obey the traffic laws, but we were in for a surprise as we cautiously kept to the speed limit. “Good god!” the familiar voice bellowed, “you’re going so fucking slow that the snails in my escargot are LAUGHING at you. Why are you trying to drive?! You suck at it!”

We asked Raul Cabeza why the technology scolds drivers even when they’re following traffic laws. “It’s simple,” Cabeza began. “No one watches Chef Ramsey to see him provide calm directions and positive reinforcement. People love watching him have meltdowns and, for the lack of a better term, lose his shit.”

Cabeza then went on to give examples of other comparable characters, such as the guests on The Jerry Springer Show, pointing out that no one tuned in to see a positive resolution but rather to be repulsed by the actions of the guests and the occasional guy who regularly has sex with a horse. While we were initially shocked by this method of thinking, we realized that Kia is tapping into a new market that no one had ever acknowledged was there; people love to be entertained, and this was made more clear as our drive continued.

As we approached the highway, Ramsey’s voice didn’t hold back on us as we got on the on-ramp. “Oh, that’s brilliant, isn’t it? Going on the freeway, huh? I’ll be done with my souffle by the time you reach second gear.” As we merged with the oncoming traffic, we were once again demeaned by his iconic voice. “Oh, for fuck’s sake—you can’t fucking drive! Why are you even bothering? My grandmother can operate a vehicle better than you can—and she’s DEAD!”

Eventually, we returned to the dealership, and before we could even put the Kia in park, Ramsey’s voice was chastising us for wasting his time. “Get the hell out of my car! This was the worst experience of my life!” At this point, we were all too happy to oblige to the chef’s request.

While we were impressed with the out-of-the-box thinking from Kia, our commute was interrupted so often—and with such vulgarity—that it was hard to stay focused on the road. But, in an age where people enjoy the garbage and drama of reality TV, we definitely see a market for it.

6/10; would purchase.


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