A man poses for a used trucks for sale Tinder satire piece

Nashville, TN – Boundaries are a funny thing when it comes to Social Media. One might even argue that any sense of ‘limitation’ is further diminished with each and every day, especially by users who throw neutrality to the wind, posting content that is either targeted, eschews another user’s right to anonymity, or ripe for misinterpretation. And with more apps and services than ever linking to social media, it becomes easy to know far more about someone than one might intend. Case in point, a newly-single Nashville man in the process of exploring used trucks for sale AND fun singles, in his area.

Meet Darren Platt, aged 34. Two-and-a-half days after ending a year-long on-again-off-again relationship, Platt decided that he had ‘waited long enough’ and decided to throw his hat back into the dating ring. This was, of course, against the recommendations of his friends who urged him to take some time and heal, insisting that “58 hours just wasn’t long enough”. But divine intervention may have aligned itself with Darren’s friends. As he was en route to a local ‘meat market’, Platt’s car experienced an unexpected engine seizure. Now, devoid of both a vehicle and a willing sexual partner, Platt was relegated to his apartment, turning to his smartphone in the hopes of getting his life back on track.

“In terms of getting myself a new set of wheels, I found myself on everything from dealer sites to Craig’s List and Facebook Marketplace,” Platt explains in a growly, southern drawl. “Then, when I got bored of car hunting, I’d…uh…well, you know…start hunting ass.”

And ‘hunt ass’ he did, on every dating app and site from Tinder to ChristianMingle.com (with a rather confusing profile set up on FarmersOnly.com, seeing as the closest thing he has to agricultural experience were the unfortunate denim overalls he ‘one-strapped’ back in 1991, emulating New Kids on the Block’s Donnie Wahlberg). But with the right angles and lighting, a good profile pic and some good banter seemed to be making some headway for Darren Platt…and the hookups started rolling in. Unfortunately, he still had no truck, which was posing a major problem because he clearly had some serious ass that needed hauling.

“That’s when I knew I needed a truck, which helped to narrow down my search. I knew that I wanted to configure an extended passenger cab with a full-size bed to make sure that I could fit as many sweet honeys in it as possible, and have plenty of options for horizontal extracurriculars, if you know what I mean….”

We knew what he meant.

Unfortunately for Darren Platt, he chose to go public with his vehicle search. Using his actual Facebook profile he began to seek out recommendations from his Facebook friends, both in terms of dealerships and private sellers. And he made it clear why he wanted that truck, too…which made things interesting for possible romantic matches whom he had friended online.

We spoke to one of his FB Friends, who he had met through Tinder but had yet to meet him in person. Asking that we retain her anonymity, we are hiding her face in shadow and altering her voice. (Editorial Note: Yes, we are aware that this is a written article, not a TV show, but we had to promise her that we’d do so. No-one ever said that Darren Platt likes his women smart…)

“I’m not really sure how I feel about some of his recent FB posts. He keeps on posting that he needs a new truck to haul all the ass that he’s pulling in. I mean, I understand that we’ve just met and there should be no expectations of monogamy, but it’s starting to feel a little human traffick-y, if you know what I mean.”

We knew what she meant.

Time will tell if Darren Platt scores the truck of his dreams, or if he’s found to be guilty of human trafficking, either way the moral of the story is: don’t overshare on social media.


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