Masshole Drops “Trou’ and Gets Weird With Local Laws

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Weathered United States flag with Massachusetts license place reading

If you’re ever sitting at home, bored (probably with no pants on) and feel like falling down a rabbit-hole, do an online search for crazy state laws. You’ve probably heard some of them before, such as the fact that it’s illegal to sleep on a supermarket bread shelf in North Carolina. Or that you can’t take a lion to the movies in Maryland. Oh, and if you have any plans of shoving a moose out of an airplane in Alaska, you better think twice pal. Noteworthy among Ohio state laws are decrees that no law-breaking individual may be arrested (i) on Sunday, or (ii) on the Fourth of July, laws that are both awesome and (as I learned the hard way) not-at-all-honored-or-enforced by local or state authorities. And how did I learn this? By visiting Toyota dealers in Ohio, walking in nude, and offering everyone the opportunity to check out my ‘Prius’. That’s right, I nicknamed my member after the Toyota Prius, because they’re both visually displeasing and ‘take a while to get up to speed’ if you know what I mean. 

But this all got me thinking? How many bizarre state laws could I test, if given the opportunity? And even more so, could I use these opportunities to speak with the American people and get a better understanding of what they’re looking for in their elected officials, building a foundation for a 2020 political run in my home state of Massachusetts. Also, how tolerant are our individual states of ‘waist-down nudity’?

Thus, I am proud to present my exciting new endeavor, “Masshole for Change”, a pants-less trek across America which (beginning next month) you’ll be able to follow online (www.massholeforchange.com) on Instagram (@massholeforchange) and Facebook. Covering 24 states, I will be traveling 5,075 miles in 275 days ushering a whole new era of getting in touch with America, by “getting weird” with it. 

Here are just a few of the topics I’ll be touching on while testing strange state laws, while naked from the waist down. 

  • California: Discuss the evolving demands of clean energy legislation while hosting an open-registration frog-jumping contest, and eating any that might die in the process. 
  • Arizona: Speak with locals about policing, in the aims of improving both efficiency and public relations while feeding household garbage to a pig, without the required permit. 
  • Utah: Debate the merits of marijuana legalization while attempting to buy and/or sell alcohol during an emergency (which I’ll admittedly have to plan and execute myself, unless a natural emergency takes place). 
  • Illinois: Touch on the ever-growing threat of opioid addiction while knowingly falling asleep in a cheese-shop.
  • Indiana: Become better acclimated with the burden of foster care providers while catching fish bare-handed. Take that, Nazis!
  • Pennsylvania: Learn more about the debate on school choice while catching fish with my mouth. Double-tap, Nazis!
  • New York: Create a productive discourse on infrastructure spending while taking a selfie with a Tiger! 
  • Connecticut: Get a closer look at higher education opportunities available to all citizens while enjoying “Silly String” outside the privacy of my own home!

Needless to say, I look forward to meeting with real Americans as we look forward to building new legislation built around the actual needs of today’s Americans. I’m Mitch McDangles, and I approve this message. Also, I’m not wearing any pants. 

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