Ford Plays “Would You Rather” with Massachusetts Man

The words Would You Rather over a Boston skyline with an outline of Massachusetts that reads Special Masshole Edition

Lenox, MA – If you’re searching out used Ford F-150 for Sale, you might want to talk to Bill Baker of Lenox, Massachusetts before you pull the trigger on any purchases. Mr. Baker (age 26) might be best known in the local community as “Jeep Guy”, having owned a string of Wranglers and having been very vocal about the substandard nature of every other vehicle on the planet. As several of his bumper stickers read, we can only assume that “It’s a Jeep Thing” and we just wouldn’t understand.

So you can imagine the confusion caused by the arbitrary “non-Jeep” car-buying decisions made by Baker in 2018. It all began when the bearded, flannel-clad Baker showed up to work in – of all things, a Porsche Cayenne. Naturally, co-workers were concerned, with office manager Allison Chelli choosing to immediately contact the company’s healthcare provider to check insured options for substance abuse programs.

Since then, Baker had shown up behind the wheel of another Porsche, this time a Macan. He bought a Chevy conversion van and airbrushed a mural of himself, hugging Jason Cook, a co-worker (who was inexplicably depicted as a pan-flute playing centaur). He bought a full-size Peterbilt tractor for no discernible reason. He imported a classic Alfa Romeo equipped with artificial intelligence which spoke to him in Italian. He may – or may not – have arrived to work via rooftop helicopter landing. We’re fairly certain that there was even an Audi, and a herd of Alaskan sled dogs, thrown in there before Baker settled (for the time being) on two RAM pickups (one fluorescent green) and a couple of new snowmobiles. Some represented trade-ins, others were courtesy vehicles offered by dealerships, and there may or may not have been one (or more) occasions where Baker acquired the vehicle as a result of vigilante crimefighting. We’re not sure.

And while we’d be lying if we implied that each and every one of these vehicles exceeded (or even met) Baker’s discerning tastes, the only vehicle which seemed to capture his ire was a Ford F-150 that he has test driven.

“That was a piece of sh-t,” explained Baker, in-between sucking fags (smoking cigarettes) on the loading dock of his office. And, despite their position as the best-selling lineup of trucks, Baker’s opinion is dangerous to the reputation of Ford’s F-Series. Why? Because he’s the social media director of a prominent automotive SEO company, and spreading the word is ‘kind of what he does’.

Taking to the “interwebz”, he published a scathing volume which he titled…

’100 Things I’d Rather Do Than Drive a F-150’

Here’s an excerpt (in no particular order)

    • Watch a large man behead baby ducks.
    • Rip off my toenails with pliers.
    • Have my rape-y co-worker place his hand over my mouth and whisper, “Let it Happen”.
    • Admit my secret love of the music of “Paramore”.
    • Listen to the “All I Want For Christmas is You”, in an elevator, on repeat for twelve days.
    • Place aluminum foil on my dental fillings.
    • Walk into a drone-fight, where my balls are the only target.
    • Never eat Chipotle again.
    • Pay the building’s maintenance guy to run over my strung-out nipples with a forklift.
    • Take off my hat.
    • Clean a gas station toilet with my toothbrush. Then brush my teeth before it dries.
    • Accept invitations to play Facebook games with your grandmother and/or talk politics with your significantly racist grandfather.
    • Accept daily Sriracha Enemas, performed by my office manager.
    • Get roped into a pyramid scheme (probably #thrive).
    • Binge watch E! Entertainment Television’s continuing coverage of Ariana Grande’s love life.
    • Vote for Hillary.
    • Eat a stranger’s boogers.
    • Break the heart of a young child, by banging Santa in the doo-doo hole. Reciprocate.
    • Your Mom, after she takes an aggressive laxative.
    • Come up with a list of one hundred horrible things.

And it goes without saying that the list went (quickly) viral, racing to the top of anti-Ford sentiment on Google’s search results. In fact, it spread so quickly that Google themselves noted its popularity and began to highlight the post, drawing even more people’s attention it.

So, it was no surprise when Ford contacted Baker to arrange a means of quelling his disgust with the experience of driving an F-150. To which Mr. Baker replied, “Can you get me the original Ford Mustang GT 390 that Steve McQueen drove in the 1968 film Bullitt?” adding, “..and before you try to offer me it, I’ll take the 2019 remake too.”

Ford has yet to reply (but we wouldn’t mess with Bill Baker).


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