New Study says ‘Driving a Yaris’ and ‘Regret’ are Almost Indistinguishable

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White 2019 Toyota Yaris in back with depressed man in front

Long before any college or university had secured research funding to prove (or disprove) it, a long-standing (and oft-quoted) trope has laid claim that the biochemical effects of falling in love can be duplicated by eating chocolate. And while science has gone on to validate that claim (which we’ll get to) it raises the question of what other mental and emotional states can be duplicated synthetically. Atop that list? The ability of sense memory to trigger feelings of jealousy, heartbreak or loss. Or that the nauseating effects of vertigo can be simulated by listening to Nickelback in excess (it’s true, but we don’t recommend it). Or that the sound of Arianna Grande’s speaking voice has been proven to cause explosive sideways diarrhea in small mammals? But what about the revelation that feelings associated with crippling regret can be duplicated by the simple act of purchasing a 2019 Toyota Yaris? Well, it’s all true. Don’t believe us? What’s your problem with science, chump?

Jumping back to chocolate, it’s important to recognize that there are over 300 naturally-occurring chemicals in chocolate that can affect the human brain via the release of neurotransmitters. By sending signals back and forth between our neurons, these neurotransmitters can influence our emotions and the way that we feel. One of the primary neurotransmitters released during the consumption of chocolate is Phenylethylamine, also known as “the love drug”. Combined with the mood-lifter Serotonin, the quickening of a pulse and general sense of happiness and contentment can be likened to the sensation of being in love. 

While we won’t bore you with the science behind Nickelback’s ability to churn a stomach or Ariana Grande’s ability to release the contents of said stomach with nary a word, let’s take a look at the Toyota Yaris ability to simulate near-depressive regret. 

Accessibly-priced and offering one of the most competitive mpg ratings outside of Hybrid and EV competitors, the Yaris has proven itself a compelling offering for the better part of two decades. And yet a staggering percentage of Yaris owners have been documented as suffering from depression, wide-ranging anxieties and even thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Well, here at THE LEMON we are firm believers in the principle of Occam’s Razor; that the simplest explanation tends to be the correct one. So, obviously, we reached out to Toyota to determine which mind-altering chemicals were being used to saturate the Yaris’ upholstery during construction. 

Offering only a few options for interior fabrics, it’s safe to assume that Toyota is looking to produce their poisonous cabin experience in a cost-efficient manner (even in the absence of actual proof). And, let’s be honest, there’s little point in arguing that the Yaris is designed to reduce levels of serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, serving as an inhibitor of healthy neurotransmitters and increasing biochemical depression. After all, have you ever met someone that truly enjoyed driving around in their Yaris? No wonder so many of them end up wanting to kill themselves. 

“No comment”, was the only response we received after numerous unsuccessful attempts to contact Toyota (including several hang-ups). Needless to say, it’s enough to raise suspicion as to automaker’s intentions. 

Editor’s Note: It turns out that any feelings of remorse come from the 106 horsepower and 103 lb-ft torque rating, which is enough to fill anyone with enough regret to kill themselves. Our apologies to Toyota, for insinuating that they were lacing the Yaris with weapons-grade hallucinogens. 

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