ALBANY, NY – Local Albany F-150 dealer Wellington Cheapskate will appear in court this coming Sunday to appeal his conviction of selling trucks without beds. Mr. Cheapskate is accused, among other things, of removing the aluminum alloy beds of 12 F-150s and replacing them with cardboard. Mr. Cheapskate claims that everyone who bought the trucks did so willingly and in full knowledge that they were buying a truck with a completely useless bed.
“Let’s be real,” Cheapskate said in a statement that wasn’t cleared by his lawyer. “Hardly anyone who buys a truck these days actually uses it for what it’s intended for. Most of those giant-ass trucks you see on the road are driven by sister-screwing rednecks like me; only these guys got small dicks.” Mr. Cheapskate’s comments drew ire from the Caucus of Sister-Screwing Rednecks (CSSR). “We take seeruz offense to thiz st’mnt,” said Mr. Ichabod Deerkill, President of the CSSR, spitting a mixture of tobacco juice and snot on the ground. “Our truckz iz useless, but we ain’t got them sm’ll dicks!”
More criticism was lobbed at Cheapskate from the Society of Giant-Ass Trucks Whose Owners Definitely Don’t Have Small Dicks (GATWODDHSM). In a statement written by society secretary Horace Smallballs: “We take serious offense to the suggestion of Mr. Cheapskate that we who spruce up our trucks to spew diesel clouds, ride on wheels that are far too large, and make exhaust noises that sound like a chorus of murdered poll cats, in any way have small dicks. Perhaps Mr. Cheapskate is trying to cover for his own insufficiencies!”
Regardless of its offensiveness, Mr. Cheapskate stands by his claims and insists that the customers who bought the 12 F-150s with cardboard beds had no real intention of using them. Though it is against the policy of this highly-trusted news organization to print the names and occupations of victims of crime without their consent, we can tell you that at least one of Mr. Cheapskate’s clients was a redneck with a small penis. This unnamed victim, who chose to remain nameless, wanted to assure the public of the truth of Mr. Cheapskate’s claims and says that his cardboard bed made for great kindling.
But what exactly has Mr. Cheapskate done with the metal from the beds? “Sold it to the Chinese,” Mr. Cheapskate exclaimed. “I ain’t no commie, but they was willin’ to pay a heck of a lot for aluminum. No idea why. I was just happy to earn some extra cash.” Mr. Cheapskate made over $300,000 from his aluminum sales to the Chinese. An official of the CCP could not be reached for comment.
Despite the national security implications, Mr. Cheapskate stands convicted only of fraudulent business dealings. The victims’ attorney, one Sell Goodkin (yes, we know), stated that though the cardboard beds were meticulously recreated to look exactly like the old ones in a feat of excellent skill and artistry, Mr. Cheapskate was nonetheless a fraud. When asked how the victims discovered the betrayal, Mr. Goodkin was hesitant to say. Did some potting soil from the local Agway collapse the cardboard? Perhaps some wood from the hardware store or some heavy groceries?
The answer is none of the above! Mr. Goodkin finally admitted that his clients only became aware that their truck beds were made of cardboard until a heavy rain dissolved them. Upon this revelation, Mr. Cheapskate professed, “See? I told you they didn’t use them for nothing. So where’s the harm?” One can see Mr. Cheapskate’s point. The judge in the original trial, the Honorable Eustis P. Metalworks, was not overly sympathetic to Mr. Cheapskate’s claims, as the appeals judge, the Honorable Samuel M. Paperworks, is being seen by many to be more lighthearted. Regardless, Mr. Cheapskate is affirmed of his innocence.
“I did nothing wrong! This is America! If there is one place where I can screw my sister, make thousands off a communist foreign nation, and piss off a few people, this is the place to do it!” Cheapskate proclaimed. More patriotic words have seldom been spoken.