Ocasio-Cortez: If No-One Works, We Can Eliminate Trucks!

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Ocasio-Cortez has green eyes and green lightening bolts from her hand that are surrounding a bubble of truck brand logos. Her truck attack may help people choose between the 2019 Chevy Silverado vs 2019 RAM 1500.

Washington DC – Every once in a while, an individual in the public eye casts such a noticeable and continual shadow that it becomes hard to imagine a time when they weren’t around. For better or worse, most Americans would agree that Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, the freshman Representative from New York’s 14th congressional district is a prime example of such an individual. And while self-proclaimed Democratic Socialist has proven quite successful at garnering staunch supporters and critical opponents alike, she’s likely to redistribute both of those groups as a result of her new initiative. One that will make it easier for prospective truck buyers to choose between a 2019 Chevy Silverado vs 2019 RAM 1500, or any other combinations of trucks. Why? Because Ocasio-Cortez plans to destroy the truck segment with a three-pronged attack consisting of (i) her socialist platform (ii) her Green New Deal initiative, and (iii) the mystical power she recently acquired by unearthing the Aztec rune of Izque Cuazque Neltoca.

Now, we’re not here to get into a major political debate, but socialist ideals which convey that citizens are entitled to government-provided healthcare and education among other basic services, have their fair share of critics and supporters. This combined with the proposed redistribution of wealth only adds fuel to the fire, when you talk about major corporations, of which leading automakers would certainly be included.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez discusses her ‘Green New Deal’ with several male politicians around her.
Representative Cortez, shown with Massachusetts Senator Ed Market to her left.

And, as for the Green New Deal, we’ll share a quote that summarizes the strategy for evolving transportation. This states the intent of “overhauling transportation systems in the United States to eliminate pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from the transportation sector as much as is technologically feasible, including through investment in (i) zero-emission vehicle infrastructure and manufacturing; (ii) clean, affordable, and accessible public transportation; and (iii) high-speed rail”. But more troubling was the claim that the government should provide “security for those unable, or unwilling to work”, a statement that enables more people to leech off the system, without contributing back into it.

Combined, these two factors place the writing on the wall, clear enough for all to see. And if we’re going to cover the wall in thumbtacks and run a string in between them to identify where the patterns are, one thing becomes clear; if no-one is willing to work, laborers become extinct, so why would we even need trucks anymore? Without trucks, a major segment of our population develops a greater dependence on public transportation, giving the government even greater control over our lives.

But if you’re anything like us, you’re more-than-a little concerned that the crazy-eyed former bartender is now a super-powered mystic empowered by the bloodthirsty warrior souls of long-dead generations of Aztecs. The rune which, according to legend, grant both mind-control and various levels of psychokinesis, have been described in the wall carvings found in pyramids of Tenochtitlan.

A mosaic styled skull with fake eyes is being displayed.
The newly-discovered Aztec rune of Izque Cuazque Neltoca.

“That’s all absurd,” states junior Massachusetts Senator Ed Markey, dismissively. “First of all, Representative Ocasio-Cortez and the Green New Deal pose no serious threat to truck makers. It simply calls for them to drive the advancement of automotive technologies. Also, the implication that Representative Ocasio-Cortez can now fire energy bolts from her eyes is nothing more than a rumor fueled by the fact that she always looks like she’s firing invisible energy bolts from her eyes.”

A close up photo of Ocasio-Cortez with wide eyes and a big smile is shown.
Actual screenshot of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez performing a mass psychokinetic lobotomy through television waves, courtesy of ABC News.

While most conservatives seem hesitant to address the supernatural threat of AOC’s new powers, Senate Majority Mitch McConnell has gone on record stating that he is “currently undergoing secret government testing of a WWII era Super-Soldier serum” and “will do what is necessary to take down Ocasio-Cortez with the might of a Democratic Republic”.

Meanwhile, in the shadows, Nancy Pelosi sits in a darkened room full of TV monitors, stroking a cat while she laughs maniacally.

Nancy Pelosi has her mouth wide open and two male politicians are standing behind her.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, clearly the secret mastermind from a 1980’s He-Man cartoon.

 

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