Science Watch: New Study Confirms Correlation Between Truck Size and Penis Size

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1923
A doctor is shown with an anatomy model in front of a 2023 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD.

It’s no secret the vehicle that a person drives often reflects different aspects of their personality. And while high-end sports cars are synonymous with those entering a midlife crisis and minivans were once the hallmark of someone who was family-oriented, a new medical study conducted by Harvard University has led to some recent news that many people have always assumed, but now research and data confirm—large trucks are driven by men who are less endowed than others and have to find a way to compensate for their diminished libido. Or, in layman’s terms, if you drive a big truck like the 2023 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD…you have a micro penis. Sure, you might be someone who actually needs a large truck for towing, but you also might be someone who has difficulty locating the clitoris.

“It’s really quite obvious to many of my esteemed colleagues in the field of psychology,” Dr. Andrea Page told us over the phone. “We did a study in which we measured the length of 500 different males and asked them what they drove. The results were compelling. We found that most people who were generously endowed had little in the way of negative feelings about self-image. Most of them said they drove either an EV or crossover because they didn’t need anything big and fancy to prove a point.” When asked about the other volunteers for her study, Page reported on what so many of us have always assumed.

“When it came to those with, er, smaller penises, we asked them what they drove. While we thought that something with a formidable engine would be a natural choice, as a large motor would compensate for having a diminished sex drive, the results from our study were very Freudian in their conclusion…a larger object that can accomplish mammoth tasks is merely a replacement for the lack of a sexual gratification due to a diminished libido. Sometimes a vehicle is merely a means of transportation, but sometimes it’s a subconscious means of overcompensating for natural shortcomings.”

Page went on to explain that there was nothing wrong with not being endowed like John Holmes and that having a diminished libido is nothing to be ashamed of. She also claimed that a diminished sex drive or the inability to satisfy a consenting adult in the bedroom is not a death sentence; her work in this experiment is simply a method of providing oversight and objectivity to the millions of Americans who feel the need to own a full-sized pickup truck every year. “There’s nothing wrong with feeling the need to overcompensate,” Page told us “this is all just a psychological need to somehow feel superior in other places where shortcomings are all too common and disheartening.” We asked Page if she herself would consider dating someone who wasn’t endowed and drove a large truck to make up for this deficiency. “Are you kidding? I have a trophy husband with a ten-inch cock who drives a Prius. I may be a respected member of the medical community, but come on, I have a need to be fucked eight ways from Sunday, just like everybody else.”

The results of the study conducted by Page and her colleagues have been informative, and quite possibly not without its marketing potential. Our resident expert Mark Scaglione explained the potential for a cross-promotion between some of the major brands and the medical community. “If GM wants to maximize profits in the upcoming years,” Scaglione told us, “then a marketing plan that includes a free trial with Viagra or Cialis with the purchase of a full-sized pickup is certainly going to do it.” We then asked Scaglione about what he drove and if he felt it had any indication regarding his own libido. He simply responded with “no comment.”

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