Selling a Car in the End Times

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A hand is holding keys in front of a sign that says 'The End is Near.'

As the world lovingly crumbles around us, it’s a buyer’s market out there folks – a seller’s market too if you have the right items. Used car dealerships continue to want to not only sell vehicles to you, but they also want you to sell them your cars so they can turn those around to sell later. They are practically shouting from the rooftops, “sell us your car!” Now, as a man of great wisdom, I know what you’re probably thinking, “With a massively contagious virus on the loose, isn’t this a horrible time to deal in used cars?” To which I say, “No, stop it.”

Selling your old car to a dealership has never been easier, but you have to know what you’re doing – there are some tricks you can use to make the process easier. And no, I’m not talking about figuring out what your car is worth ahead of time or making sure you have all of your service records, that’s boring. I’m talking about how to sell your car while maintaining a proper quarantine, how to turn your old heap into material goods that will serve you in the coming apocalypse, and how to make sure the next sucker that drives it suffers for his choice to buy used instead of new.

Stick with your ol’ Uncle Von Gourdboddum, kids, and you’ll be fine…

Make it Seem Clean

A martini is in front of a dirty car that has #drivingdirty written on it, which is not advised when you want to sell your car.

Nobody wants to buy your filthy, plague-ridden rust bucket that smells like burnt pork bung and makes you feel like you need to take a shower after sitting in it for five minutes. You need to make sure your car seems clean for a dealership to want it, and I’m not just talking about taking your disgusting garbage out of the backseat. No, I’m talking about really clean.

Now, you’ll notice I didn’t say “clean your car thoroughly” because you don’t want to do that, and even if I told you to, you’d ignore me. I don’t blame you; cleaning is the worst, it’s for suckers, and if you clean something, then you’re a sucker. No, what you want to do is make your car seem clean so that someone else getting into it thinks you’re a sucker that cleaned your grimy vehicle before bringing it to them.

Here’s what you do: take a little bit of bleach and add it to a spray bottle, heavily diluted with water. You’re not looking to really do any cleaning here, and there’s no reason to waste a bunch of perfectly good bleach. Now take your spray bottle and spritz a little bit of slightly bleachy water all around the inside of your vehicle. You don’t need to overdo it; just several small sprays will get the job done.

Now, get a lemon, cut it in half, and juice the ever-living-hell out of it. Get as much juice as you can. Sprinkle some of that fresh lemon juice lightly over the front and rear seats of the car. Et voilà! That slight scent of bleach and lemon will immediately trigger anyone’s sense of memories of what “clean” should smell like. They won’t even notice the possible vermin scuttling about the floorboards or the lingering stench of decay from your rear trunk – only the crisp, disinfectant scent of bleach and lemon.

You can use the rest of your lemon juice to make some cocktails. I suggest a nice lemon drop, which you can make with 2 oz of vodka, 1/2 oz triple sec, 1 oz simple syrup and 1 oz of fresh lemon juice.

Run a lemon wedge around the rim of your cocktail glass and then dip it into some sugar to coat the rim and set it aside. Add the vodka, triple sec, simple syrup, and your freshly-squeezed lemon juice to a shaker with a good amount of ice. Shake the hell out of it until nice and cold. Then strain the liquid into your prepared cocktail glass – enjoy!

Layers of Protection

A close up of a triangle of many head graphics is on top of a bill.

You’re going to be tempted, when selling your car to a used dealership (or to some stranger online), to leave the warmth and safety of your personal space to make the sale. This is a mistake. Not only will this expose you to many pathogens that are just waiting to strike, but it will also make you encounter direct sunlight and remember the pleasant scent of fresh air – such things will only make your time in seclusion more difficult.

Avoid these traps by remaining in your own personal bubble for as long as possible. Personally, I like to use a series of proxies to handle all of my business outside my shelter in [location redacted]. Here’s what you do:

  • Hire someone to take care of your business for you. Some people will suggest an accountant or lawyer, but this is a mistake – they’ll ask too many questions. I recommend you head to your local bus depot and find someone with a look in their eyes that makes you question the existence of the deity of your choosing.
  • Have them hire someone else to handle all of their business – you can leave the choice of this person up to their discretion. After all, you need to be able to trust them.
  • This secondary player should then hire someone to handle all his or her business, best to provide plenty of layers of protection for yourself.
  • The new person then hires another person to handle their business, someone you should have no connection with.
  • Finally, this person now hires you to handle all of his or her business for them. You’re fully insulated from whatever occurs, and every decision you make is merely at the behest of your own faceless overlords.
  • Profit!

Remember: You’re a Hero

Now, if you follow the steps I’ve outlined for you above, there’s a chance that you’re going to feel bad about your actions. If you don’t, then you’re likely already a sociopath, so feel free to skip ahead to the end. On the other hand, if you do feel bad about pretending to clean your car before selling it or utilizing an indecipherable series of proxies to handle your shadowy dealings for you, remember the following:

You’re the hero. That’s right – ignore that heading up there with its flaccid, insipid indefinite article, you are the hero of this story. No matter what else happens, right or wrong, horrific or benevolent, your actions are always correct because you’re the hero of all of this. By definition, whatever you do must be heroic, therefore whatever you do must be correct.

Take a deep breath and focus on that for a moment. Your actions are always right for you and for the rest of the known universe. Isn’t that liberating? You’re welcome.

One Last Thing…

If anyone asks where you got all of this useful information, forget my name. You don’t know me; we never met, got it? Unless they want to pay for this helpful information, then please feel free to direct them to [location redacted].

Editor’s Note: Please don’t do any of this it’s… it’s just terrible. You’re not the hero of the universe, and judging by what we see on the news every day, you’re probably not even a hero on a small scale or just in your own life. Ignore all of this advice. Except for the recipe for a lemon drop, those turned out pretty good. Thank you.

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